2006-01-31 - 4:46 p.m.

I am still recovering slightly from having watched The Perfect Penis on C4 last night, showing as it did a man whose obsession with size had seen him have cosmetic enhancement to the tune that he now has what appears to be three flashy silicone beach balls down his grundies for a front bottom. Not so much a trouser-snake as a trouser-great flabby Sharpei puppy, all giant bulbous wrinkly mounds. If there is any advantage to two-foot circumference testicles, then I would love to know what it is, though I guess you could rent out advertising space on them or bounce out of danger when cornered by an angry mob or something. He lives in San Francisco and is called Mr Mark or something. I�m sure if you Google hard enough you can find him.

Another man watched his own wang get sliced open in an enlargement op, and yet another had his �micropenis� (note to self, good provocative band name, though need to distance self from motif) chopped off, attached to his arm for lengthening, and then re-joined to his groinal cavity. I certainly did feel more than a prick of repulsion at the willy-nilly shock footage.

Before that on another channel, a bald man faked his own failed escape from a gallows in the name of bad magic. It�s intellectual TV all the way on a Monday night, that�s for damn sure as hiccups.

Three words from a doctor that almost, but don't quite, do it for me: "It looks benign..."