2005-07-20 - 3:39 p.m.

I very much enjoy the new warnings attached to cinema trailers. How wantonly specific they�ve become. For instance, I see they�ve remade Herbie � the everyday tale of humorous auto-possession - for the CGI generation and one of the disclaimers reads: �contains mild auto-racing peril.� In the originals, this would be seen as one of the only possible reasons to go and watch the film � now it�s a disclaimer designed to�what? Protect the makers from some kid suing them for being exposed to a car taking a corner at slightly above the speed limit?

I was googling the other warnings in circulation at the moment, and found a Christian website that warned any nice young children thinking about watching Herbie of the sexual situations to be found therein. Missy Lohan�s short skirt is described in some detail (purely as a deterrent, natch) and then there�s this disgusting sexual bombshell: �two Volkswagens are shown locking front fenders in a passionate embrace.�

Now, I think we all know how the bible feels about rampant automobile fornication. I think it�s in the book of Mechania, Chapter VI Verse IX, that we are told, �And the sporty hatchback shall not lay down with the family coupe, nor shall the cabriolet exchange motor fluids with the city runabout, for there will be much weeping, and grinding of gears.�

If that�s not an incitement to a life of degradation and filth, I don�t know WHAT is. Front fenders in a passionate embrace? Next thing you know you�ll be subscribing to �Hott Fender Action Monthly � the magazine for the discerning bodywork enthusiast� and renting out �Scrap Heap Orgy Bumper Bitches on Heat�.

Another of my favourite warnings was the drippingly abstract �mild thematic elements and some language�. Er, you mean there�s a plot and some dialogue? Well dice my butternut squash and call me Cecil, isn�t that just the most outrageous idea in a film? What should good, wholesome films consist of if not plot and dialogue? A conservatively dressed teenager contemplating Jesus alone in a dark room, perhaps.

There�s also the fabulous �Contains brief language� � perhaps in the epic tale of a cruelly-interrupted mime troupe, �Pervasive language� � god, those words really get everywhere don�t they? � and the more common �Mild Language�, where hyperbole and exaggeration are banished to their rightful quarters.

Perhaps in future releases, the warnings attached will have evolved to cover all possible situations: �Warning, this film contains lackadaisical gherkin slicing, the slack disinfecting of roadside caf� toilet facilities and mild involuntary hip movements unbecoming of a lady. Two whelks are shown facing each other in a manner suggestive of unspecified future intimacy.�

For now, though, we have to make do with some Will Ferrell release that�s aimed at �mature tweens� � presumably twelve year olds with a bar tab and their own apartment? � and where �Ferrell is shown naked, but there is strategically placed digital blurring�. If it�s the film Bewitched, then strategic digital blurring should have been placed on Ferrell for the entire two hours, no?