2005-04-21 - 9:48 p.m.

Now, come on. I know what you�re going to say. You�ve got that face and there�s really no need. I don�t ask you for much. I don�t plead, I don�t implore, I don�t put on a frilly little tutu and prance around at your bidding for the smallest indulgence. I don�t sit up and beg, roll around on the floor and play dead like a demented canine for your continual amusement just so that you�ll throw me the tiny doggy chocolate of your slightest favour.

But�

�I do need a favour.

It isn�t money, carnal exploration or even a lock of your fine, babylike hair that I can keep in a locket and sniff whistfully from out of the depths of my black, soul-numbing loneliness.

I just want your extra time, and your�answers to a short questionnaire.

Against all that is logical and holy, I�ve been commissioned to write a wee featurette for, well, let�s just call it a publication. The subject? Chronic underachievement in the early 21st century? Fish keeping for the intellectually challenged? Mais non, my little silicon ships.

The thrust of the investigation is meeting people through online journals, which I do believe some of you keep. Now, don�t get all argy-bargy, fellas, but I�m talking to the ladies here. It�s a ladies magazine. They want to hear about other ladies. Not the tedious, sweaty, repressed lumps that pass for males in this community � and before you lamp me into next Thursday, I should know.

So, ladies. Lay - if I might be so bold - deeeez. Have you ever met, in a romantic sense, someone of either gender exclusively through your online journal? You needn�t have married them or anything � hell, you may not even have got to second base (I�m not sure what second base involves for girls � having your bra strap unsuccessfully fingered, I imagine) and it may even have just been a series of bad dates that made you feel like bestiality was perhaps just getting a bad rap.

But I need subjects. SO. If you�d be so kind, please drop me a note, leave me your e-mail address in my guesty, as no-one calls it, or generally holler my way. Please. I�ll beg and roll around on the floor, and dish out mix cd�s or something. You will be completely anonymous, and I will mask your identity beyond the wit of the general public � i.e. change one letter in your name.

If you, or someone you know can assist, please step up to the helping someone out for free plate.

You�ll get your reward in Diaryland heaven.