2004-10-29 - 3:12 p.m.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are voting in space.

Some team I�ve never heard of win a sports match of some description, Marc Almond leaves intensive care without his stomach being pumped and Winona Ryder is now the same age as Jesus! COINCIDENCE?!?!?! I think not. The omens are abounding like so many bad sequels to a vaguely scary horror film about the antichrist. Yes! If I am any kind of interpreter of celestial portents, and I let my complete lack of a track record speak for itself, then it is near certain that John Kerry (winner of the 2003 �Who Looks Most Like a Haunted Tree� contest) will get the most votes by the biggest margin since Moses. Sadly, of course, the crushing victory will be marred somewhat by the fact that most of those votes will be lying on a Florida riverbed somewhere. Still, that�s politics. Democracy is too important to be left to the voters, after all.

How can this happen? Even if he wins, Kerry can�t win. There�s no way that fucking retarded little redneck oilboy who gets his orders from god and his answers from a wire in his ear is letting go of things now. Not when it�s just getting good. �Daddy said my work isn�t finished yet. Hehehe said if I�m a good boy and help Jeb lose all them votes for Mr Kerby, then�then�SHUT UP�then�me and Mr Chainey and Mr Romsfield can all go for ice cream�and�and�DON�T INTERRUPT ME�and�I want my favourite flavour which is SUCKING SATAN�S OIL-LUBED COCK FLAVOUR (ahem, excuse me)�and�and�I�M NOT FINISHED�and�Mr Kelly is just a big dumb idiot, all the folks I knowed says so�er��

Republicans, by the way, are the god-fearing people who, according to the interviews with ex-CIA staff that were on BBC this week, were happy to send agents to Afghanistan with one billion dollars of taxpayer�s money and a suitcase full of stinger missiles bought with, er, taxpayer�s money for the lovely, polite young men of the rebel forces that some time later invested that money wisely and ripped NYC a new blowhole. As my old gran used to say, well what were the fuckin� odds?

I�m not being pessimistic. I�m just saying that as a country�you�re screwed. For four more years, anyway. As we were saying last night � the only good thing about a Shrub victory is that he at least cannot run again. So that�s something.

Not that the inevitable return of the chimp should stop you from voting, America. Go out and vote! For the Haunted Tree! Even Morrissey (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/music/3964183.stm) is asking you to, and you all know how much THAT guy will sulk if you disappoint him! The last thing you need is some pasty, quiff-touting whine-monger wandering the streets of LA moaning for the next four years!

And finally, I hope that the elections are being watched by representatives that have better track records than the US for fair elections. As long as there are people from Iran, China, Zimbabwe, Indonesia and The Democratic Republic of Some Generic Central American Rogue Nation, then I will sleep soundly that night.

So yeah. Democracy. Good luck with THAT.