2004-09-27 - 2:49 p.m.

Bangkok, Thailand

After a whirlwind tour of the south (quite literally, this being the rainy season), I'm back in the Big Chilli (as I'm sure no-one really calls it) for a night in one of those cheap business hotels where everything is brown and smells like an ashtray. Still, it's an improvement on the last place, which was a weird hellhole in an otherwise cheery resort.

As we arrived, the first things we see are a huge gun tower (they say 'observation deck') and barbed wire, a bit of a Club Med mixed with Belsen kind of vibe. The hotel ws huge and western and very empty. The manager, a dour German, who you would think would be welcoming in the media in an attempt to turn around business, was really shifty. We told him that the town (which was full of Thai holiday makers) looked really nice on the way in. "I don't know what's out there," he replied, as if he hadn't stepped outside the resort since he got the job.

He showed us round the compound with all the enthusiasm of a cow leading a group tour of the abbatoir. I'm really good at faking interest on hotel inspections now ("So tell me again about the square meter size of the junior suites!" "Ah, so the superior executive rooms have a slightly better shower!") but it was like enthusing at a pile of bricks.

The hosted dinner went with all the frivolity of a wake. In desperation, I asked him about the sniper turret, in case it was some kind of innovative design feature that he actually wanted to show off. "It's just politics. You are perfectly safe." I felt like he was trying to pull some kind of Teutonic Jedi mind trick. I pushed for more info. Apparently the locals didn't want them there. Now, the Thais are a peaceful, respectful Buddhist people - i.e. you really have to go out of your way to piss them off. Apparently a huge corporation setting up a bleak, monolithic hotel in prime national park just about does the trick nicely, though. He was the third manager in eighteen months, the others either having left or propping up a motorway bridge somewhere - I'm not sure. He had a great human touch for the locals that he employed, though: "The Thai staff we have are very friendly. They make mistakes, of course, but you cannot stay mad at them because they don't know any better." The man has that common touch, alright!

On the way back here, we stopped for lunch and there were 'roasted w@sps' on the menu and one of the group ordered them and pretended to enjoy them "Mmmmm! Just like salty peanuts!" , actually gagging but the desire to impress overcame her reflexes.

Tonight is the award ceremony. I am cramming from my Thai phrase book just in case of emergency, or interview requests from national TV channels. It's so glamorous that we are being served one free cocktail (non-alcoholic). Welcome to the A-list, eh?