2004-09-02 - 11:38 a.m.

(a little bit of politics)

Aw, don�t you think it�s so cute when Republicans try and argue about foreign policy? Dick Cheney, one of the few people in the world who makes me want to fashion my own spinal column into a projectile weapon and launch it in his direction from a suitably reinforced orifice , made a valiant attempt to trash John Kerry, or as I like to call him, The Brave, Grave, Semi-Concave Shockwave .

Mr Cheney said, and I quote: �Although he voted to authorise force against Saddam Hussein, he then decided he was opposed to the war.� This is supposed to show the inconsistency of the BGS-CS.

Well, Dick. Call me a misguided old turnip, but I�m guessing it must be kind of hard to know what to think when your country is proposing a war against someone they already fund and arm to the tune of billions of dollars. Hmmmm. There�s a brain teaser, and no mistake. Do we go with the right wing warmongers, or the guy they�ve given all our cash to and now want to bomb?

Obviously Dick himself, along with the docile, foaming pustules of Republican pond life, has no problemo squaring this: We armed, trained and funded him�now he�s a threat�let�s bomb him�er�what? But hell, it�s business as usual for the Republican Party � here�s your blank cheque from the American people, Osama. Oh, and some weapons. Wait. You�re going to do WHAT now?

But you can forgive Kerry, and, well, er, ANY RIGHT THINKING PERSON WITH AN OUNCE OF HUMANITY LEFT IN THEM, for having second thoughts on a cloudy issue. No?

Among the other convention highlights you may have missed:

Mr Cheney said George W Bush had made "some of the hardest decisions" a president can face. These include whether to bomb vast swathes of civilian areas, or send ground troops into their certain deaths but with a chance they can arrest and torture vast swathes of the civilian population. Hmmm. What to do? What to do?

Zell Miller said: "Kerry would let Paris decide when America needs defending." A little known fact is that Kerry would also let Paris decide the White House morning pastry selection, which foreign movies would show in cinemas and which tie he would wear with his charcoal cashmere suit. These policies are themselves a softening of Kerry�s previous hard line of letting Paris Hilton decide when America needs defending.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger greeted the convention with the words: "Ladies and gentlemen, America is back.� This phrase was chosen from a list compiled by taking lines from the Terminator films, and replacing references to himself with references to America. The rejected phrases included: �Come with America if you want to live!�, �America knows now why you cry. But it's something America can never do,� and �America needs your clothes, boots and your motorcycle!�