2004-03-30 - 1:25 p.m.

So last night I went to see The Passion of The Christ. Massive betrayal, the embodiment of pure evil appearing in the crowds, violent religious upheaval and massive pieces of torn flesh being ripped off among the horrific scenes of bloody torture. But enough of the tube journey to the cinema.

And never mind Pulp Crucifiction, the opening scene could be subtitled �Reservoir Gods�. Only the most famous scene is shot in reverse. I would have directed it as follows:

Jesus (Mr Light?) in a black suit and tie, looking mean in the Garden of Gethsemane. A Roman Centurion, recently de-eared by a dagger-happy apostle, lies on the ground in agony.

Jesus: Now I'm not gonna bullshit you. I don�t really care about what you know or don't know. I'm gonna heal you for awhile regardless. Not to get information, but because healing a Centurion amuses me. There's nothing you can say, there's nothing you can do. Except pray for health.

Jesus walks away from the Centurion.

Jesus: Let�s see what�s on K-Cherubims �Sounds of the Biblical Period Weekend�

We hear Steeler�s Wheel singing �Stuck in the Middle (of Golgotha) With You�

Big J does a little dance routine and puts the ear back on.

And is it just me, or is this film totally impossible to watch if you�ve already seen The Life of Brian? Especially in the crowd scene when Jesus and Barabas are presented by Pilate to the masses, and you have to force yourself not to shout out �Welease Wodder-wick!�

And anyone who says Mel Gibson has an issue with violence just doesn�t see the artistic merit in a ten minute scourging scene that includes detailed close-ups of individual lashings from the nail-adorned torture instruments. He�s a spiritual guy. Really.