2004-03-23 - 1:52 p.m.

Grenada, East Caribbean

Yesterday morning we went whale watching. It truly is an astonishing experience, for how often do we get to see huge, strangely-coloured beasts rear up in front of our very eyes and powerfully spout their liquid forth into the air from their gaping blowholes? Yes, watching fat old people in bad beachwear vomit into the ocean truly is an amazing spectacle.

Granted, it WAS a little choppy, but to have half of the fifteen passengers simultaneously blowing chunks into the Atlantic did tend to take the edge off the graceful majesty of the ancient sea mammals. It�s hard to feel awed at the mystical miracles of nature when that morning�s breakfast buffet is busy negotiating its way out of Doris and Elmer�s digestive systems. A couple of my colleagues were in similar states of ill health, and were focusing on twitching and looking like they�d recently been admitted to a funeral home.

I hate to sound smug, but I was totally fine. It was the first time I�d ever seen whales in the wild, and they were kind of impressive, I suppose. The trouble is that they have no idea about presentation. They just hang about under the waves looking vaguely grey and huge, instead of pulling off the arching leaps over the boat that I�d been lead to believe were a common occurrence by all those Free Willy films. They might lift a laconic tail into the air if they were feeling showy, but that was about it. Honestly, I think there�d be a lot more people willing to save them if they showbizzed it up a little.

We also saw dolphins, who are frankly getting a little complacent about their �entertainers of the sea� crown. Swimming alongside the boat looking endearing just isn�t cutting it any more, Flipper. That tuna fish doesn�t have to STAY dolphin-friendly, you know.

Finally, Flying Fish. One question: WHY? What�s in it for them? Having the unexplored depths of the ocean as their playground isn�t good enough all of a sudden? Stick to the water, gill-face, and we�ll all be a lot happier.

They did provide the basis for the following exchange, though:

Old guy, fresh from competitive hurling and spotting a group of flying fish: �These are amazing! Look how far that one�s going!�

Me: Er, that�s a seagull.

I leave today, with a brown neck and a thousand mosquito bites as tropical souvenirs.