2004-03-17 - 12:07 a.m.

Here at Kickasso Human Cheese Products Research Centre, we get literally some letters asking time and time again, �What should I tell my child about war?� Children have na�ve, misguided views about the world we live in and probably have some twisted vision of the world being run by death-mongering, bomb-happy chimps that, er, well, OK, maybe that�s a bad example.

But it�s important to know what to say when that cherubic face innocently asks you about the blood, carnage and tight, fitted uniforms that they see on the news every day.

Inspired by similar programmes, here�s our guide on how to handle that very testing situation, with no need for hurried adoption procedures:

Reassure young children that they will be loved and taken care of.Even if it IS by men with strange accents, huge machine guns and no membership of any local video stores.

Go easy on �positive� promises. Distinguish between hopes and facts. No one can predict the future. You cannot promise that someone in the war zone will be safe. What are you , a fucking prophet all of a sudden? Face it, Bubba, you can�t even decipher the TV guide properly. When little Molly asks, �Will Uncle Bob die?� you can answer, �We hope he will be fine. Most soldiers come back alive. Just not ones that have recently had seventeen rounds of live ammo unleashed into their face.�

Accept children�s feelings. Some parents, in an attempt to reassure their child, may cause more distress. For example, �Don�t be scared. There is nothing to worry about. I will keep you safe.� This answer may cause confusion. Especially when it�s delivered whilst wearing heavily soiled underpants.

Maintain routines. It is important with both children and teens to follow their normal routine as much as possible. Sleep and eat at the regular times. Attend school, sports and rallies encouraging massive genocide programmes just as you have in the past.

Limit the amount of war news children hear on radio, TV or in conversations. If you don�t know about something, it isn�t really happening. You do know that, don�t you?

Open avenues for discussion. Don�t wait for your child to ask. If children think you don�t want to talk about �it,� they won�t ask. March into their rooms at 3am with a flashlight and initiate the interrogation. Er, we mean discussion.

Ask gentle questions like, �I�m wondering what kids your age think about this war?� This will be easier for most kids to answer than, �What do you think?�, �How do you feel about this?� or �What�s this brown resin I found in your satchel?�

Listen to kids. Do not interrupt. If your preschooler has a peculiar view of the world, it�s probably YOUR fault. Best to find out just how warped they are so that you can have your excuses ready for the social workers.

Reflect their feelings and worries. For example, �Seems like you�re worried Uncle Matt may be deployed. We�re worried too, especially he isn�t in the army, and has lived with �Uncle Tony� for seventeen years.� or �You�re confused. We tell you to use your words instead of fighting, but our country stopped using words and is fighting. Actually, the president just stopped using big words.�

Discuss your feelings about the situation with your children. They need models for talking about and coping with feelings. People who have not had much experience talking about their feelings with kids may find it easier to begin by talking about feelings using books. Start with Mein Kampf, Modern Jungle Warfare Techniques or Home Daisycutter Manual.

Talk about war play and physical violence. Distinguish between what is real and what is pretend. For example, �When you play at war with your friends, no-one REALLY dies, apart from that kid you attacked with the petrol can and Daddy�s zippo, but no-one saw it was you, right? That IS what you�re going to say in court tomorrow, RIGHT?�

Help your children find constructive responses to the war. One way to reduce anger, stress, and anxiety is to do something with your feelings:

Attend a peace march or support the troops rally. Illegal bareknuckle boxing bouts where someone is reduced to a bloody writhing pulp are also cathartic.

Start a journal of feelings or collect poems about how you feel. A good rhyme for �Weapons of mass destruction� is �Inhuman massacre of innocent civilians wrongly identified as a dangerous obstruction.�

Plant seeds or trees as hope for the future. Trees help end war.

Spend time creating peace in your family: read stories together, play family games, watch a family video, or gossip about that cousin of Dad�s that lives in a trailer park.

Develop a family structure for resolving conflict peacefully. For example, start a family council. Leaders can always be deposed in violent bloodbaths.

Get your kids to write letters to national and world leaders explaining their position. It might be best to use crayon and avoid joined up writing.

Organize a bake sale or collect aluminium cans, and give money to the Red Cross, or the guy outside your school with the really good powder.

Collect newspapers from other countries and see their view of what is happening. You can also laugh at their ridiculously outdated fashion sense and paganistic beliefs.

Let us give thanks for the children, and let us save the children. Just our own, though, obviously.