2004-02-18 - 3:53 p.m.

Chapter three

�Kryssy hadn�t made any New Year�s Resolutions, and now wasn�t the best time to ask her why not as she was busy stepping on a small dog.�

That�s one of the few lines in my pretend novel that I�m just about half happy with in my Lit Id0l entry, and rereading it yesterday I resigned myself to not making the final rounds, as it didn�t so much resemble a well-honed piece of literature as the incoherent ramblings of a dyslexic five year old. I did rush it somewhat, but even so there�s no excuse for the first chapter reading like someone with the grammatical abilities of a pitted olive that missed all its English classes. I�m hoping the judges will see beyond the technical mistakes and appreciate it on a higher level (i.e. one that makes some kind of sense) but then I also hope someone with any artistic merit will someday win a Brit Award and that Paltrow will put her head in an oven for real someday. But then if hopes were dupes, fears may be liars. Whatever the chuff THAT means.

I like �If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there�d be no need for tinker�s hands�. There just aren�t enough tinkers in modern proverbs. The Russian equivalent is �If ifs and ands were pots and pans, mushrooms, would grow in the mouth�, though the introduction of the concept of oral fungi doesn�t really add too much in the way of charm. The Russians also say �An affectionate calf sucks two mothers�, which I think is something about flattery if you can get beyond the imagery.

I wonder if the Russians have phrase to sum up The Darkness winning three Brit Awards, though. Even if they don�t, I�m slightly comforted that they�ll all be back working in the local slurry disposal pit this time next year.

More than anything, though, I hope the Russians love their children too.