2004-02-16 - 4:16 p.m.

I almost hwarfed up cornflakes this morning when I saw those pictures of Scarl*t Johansson at the BAFTAS, and I hadn�t even had any for breakfast. How can one of the coolest people on earth turn up in public looking like they�d been made up by an infinite number of baboons with an infinite number of lipsticks, having first been dragged backwards through a succession of cosmetic departments in various Mexican department stores.

The BAFTAS, for readers outside the U of K, are our answer to the Oscars, and effortlessly match the glitz and glam of the American ceremony, especially if you count being held in a portacabin and seeing Kelly Brooke�s snatch as the height of sophistication, which luckily, most of us do. To give you some idea of the high esteem in which it is held, Bill M*rray FAXED in his acceptance speech. The only American people that attend are those that already had to be in the country on some other business, such as visiting a sick relative or appearing as a prosecution witness in a lengthy fraud trial, or for tax reasons.

Another difference is usually the disproportionate amount of Brit nominees, giving the oxygen of publicity to the unmitigated cack we turn out on a regular basis � usually some awful �comedy� to do with old women eating cake and taking their clothes off, or gritty misguided sequels such as Billy Elliot 2: The Heroin Years. It at least reassures us that as a nation, we still have some bearing on modern culture, even though we could spontaneously combust as a nation, and no-one in the film business would really notice until they tried to get permission to remake Notting Hill in Des Moines.

This week I�m supposed to be making the most of my boss�s absence, notably with laying foundations for world domination and indulging in orgiastic bouts of photocopying but my alimentary canal feels like it�s housing a belligerent (possibly French) tapeworm, and it�s sapping my will to be productive (never high at the best of times). Maybe I should spend less time bitching about award ceremonies, too...