2002-12-30 - 10:56 p.m.

Again with the ads. In the paper, there is a section headed �Unwanted Gifts�:

Maggot riddling machine, as used in tackle shops to clean quantities of maggots, uses an electric motorised riddle and is an absolute godsend to any angler. �95.

I can just see it now. You embarrassingly forgot to buy for someone over the Yuletide onslaught? But never fear, because the perfect gift is looking you right in the mush - even if it�s the person who has everything. Just imagine watching your loved one's face light up as they realise that you've bought them a machine that cleans insect larvae in preparation for spearing them on small metal hooks - nothing says "I care" like a mechanically riddled maggot, after all. The hardcore angler washes them the way nature intended of course, by swilling them round their mouth, and they might not be too impressed with your fancy, mechanised maggot-riddling ways. But for the freshly-washed pupae-lover on the go, maybe this really would be a godsend.

Hmm.

Tonight I had a theatre treat � an obscure Jacobean comedy called The Malc*ntent. It was suitably farcical, but you have to love them if only for the insults. These aren�t from the play as there were so many I�ve forgotten them, but there are these tirades of abuse like �Thou burly-boned beef-witted bugbear! � and �Thou cockered crook-pated fustilarian!�, not to mention �Thou beslubbering milk-livered pignut!�. Those guys knew how to lay into someone. I need to memorise some of these, and dish them out to people who pleaseth me not.