2002-11-25 - 6:12 p.m.

Apologies for forcing you to face up to the undeniable fact of my physical reality yesterday. I should have warned you.

This morning an otherwise normal-looking woman swung around briskly on the tube and almost floored me with some kind of back-mounted offspring carrier arrangement. There are many ways to look foolish on public transport � being floored by a six month old child in a floral knit human rucksack isn�t one of the better ones.

Turns out she was just showing off the cabbage-sack to her friend, to whom she described it as a �safari papoose�. Call me an old cynic, but this did seem like a slight exaggeration of its actual practical use � I�m not sure just how much of a boon it would be when hefting your mewling toddler across the grassy plains of Africa, for instance, though granted it�s probably more useful than a pram if you have to flee a rabid, pouncing wildcat. Presumably the top of the range styles include "Bulletproof Demilitarised Zone Negotiation Papoose" and "Thermally Enhanced Crossing the Cruel Arctic Tundra Papoose".

Anyway, the infant and I survived with our collective dignities intact, though I�m sure it will suffer mental instability in later life due to being lugged about in such a carefree manner. Which reminds me, I heard a rumour that Rod Stew*rt moved out of a hotel because he was directly under Michael J*ckson�s room and �couldn�t risk being hit by falling babies�.

The danger is everywhere, I tell you.