2002-11-06 - 6:19 p.m.

SO then I got to thinkin��given that you can have things such as irritatingly dysfunctional salivary glands removed at the drop of a fruity surgical paper hat, how much of yer actual mortal coil is actually vestigial? How many of your bodily extremities (and, indeed, intremities) could you have removed and still live a life of fulfilment on a par with, say, the average hapless gurning punter on a primetime quiz show, weeping with unabashed joy at having answered a question that would barely test the cognitive abilities of a confused fruitfly and having won themselves a shiny dinner set, which would be a great prize if the thought ever entered their tick-like fucking heads to eat anything but microwaved pig entrails and luminous cheese straight from the semi-melted, carcinogenic packaging? Um, for instance.

Arms, legs, front bottom, ears, nose, hair and chin could all go without so much as a second thought. Most of your internal organs you could conceivably survive without � you only need one lung and kidney, and I know someone who hasn�t got a pancreas and does alright, except it only takes him about a pint and a half to get rat faced, but surely that�s one ADVANTAGE of major organ removal � your drinks bill is automatically quartered! I�m thinking you could comfortably get away with being a virtually empty torso supporting a shall we say �spartanly adorned� cranium arrangement.

OK, I�m not saying you�d be going to any step aerobics classes in a hurry (or doing anything in a hurry come to think of it, apart from bobbing up and down in any handy bodies of water) or directing that trilogy of light operas or stuff like that, and you�d have to be one charismatic little nubbin to be a runaway hit with your preferred sexual gender, but then unless you�re a lay-dee, you don�t have any nethers to speak of anyway, so get the ruddy flip over it, Billy No-Limbs! You�re alive aren�t you? Be grateful. Lie back (Hahaha! Like you have a choice!) and think of all the stuff you�re NOT going to get cancer of. Why, you�d have so little to infect that longevity is practically guaranteed.

Ahem.

Well, it was just a thought. I�m glad to be back at work, having my mind occupied.