2002-02-20 - 7:03 p.m.

�What�s that on your head? A WIG!�

Every female I know is completely obsessed with watching figure skating on TV. Last night I had had to sit through about 73 hours of it, even the competitors from countries you knew were going to be about as good as my mum, like Malta and Burkina Faso. I can appreciate the graceful finesse, but these people look as though they do everything on ice at high speed, including applying eye makeup and putting on lycra costumes. I�ve never ice-skated because I always had a morbid fear of falling over and having all my fingers sliced off beneath the relentless whizzing blades. Though then you might qualify for one of those house-monkeys they train to make you cups of tea and stuff. Hmmm. I might have to reconsider my attitude. I have a friend who has a morbid fear of plastic farmyard animals. It doesn�t really impede on her life much since she left nursery school.

�We�ve all got wigs�so�.LET�S GO!�

Recently we had to move some videotapes from against the wall in what we laughingly refer to as �the lounge� and my housemate refused to help as some time earlier she�d crushed a spider between a couple of the cases, suffering as she does from mild arachnophobia. She said I could move them, and she�d stand back, with the vacuum running in case it scuttled out. Having been forcibly crushed into a leggy ball between two walls of hard plastic some weeks earlier, I doubted it would be doing much in the way of scuttling, though seeing it was the size of a small spaniel, even in its compact and dead state, I employed the vacuum after all. I expect it was by the videos as it was attempting to change tapes in the machine, if only to interrupt her baffling repeated viewings of the movie �Footloose�. I often wonder if the irrational fear of improper temporal references in films is �anachrophobia�?

�Wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig��

It�s 2525 and we�ve got the most wigs alive