2001-10-03 - 9:14 p.m.

�I can smell it in your eyes, I can feel it in my hands, I can taste it in your mouth, I can hear it in my head��

In a pub the other week, I was sat next to a table of apparently normal, for want of a better word, chaps. They were my age and didn�t seem to be particularly feeble minded or French or anything but they were sat around smoking PIPES. Tobacco pipes. Not even crack. Smoking�s just not enough for these guys � it obviously has to involve ridiculous posturing as well. Cigarettes? Pah! Where�s the endearing eccentricity in THAT? I say it�s all very well for ageing dullards or continental philosophers in sidewalk cafes, but when you�re just sat around talking about football and tits, it equates with blatant tossery on a par with wearing a monocle, or having an over-elaborate moustache that requires waxing. Gits. Actually I don�t KNOW they were talking about football and tits � they were probably discussing which brand of Rough Shag gave the most satisfying and attention grabbing smoke.

I mentioned it to the rampant homosexuals that constitute my occasional workmates, and they were equally aghast. They maintained no gay man would ever be seen smoking a pipe. I had them in the vice-like grip of reason with my reply (�Bollocks!� Pipe smoking is TOTALLY gay!�) but they held firm. �But look,� I said, �Here�s a peer group with a track record of adopting any preposterous affectation, not to mention sticking just about anything in their mouths. Couple the oral fixation fix with the attention and the chance to accessorise � not to mention the saucy terminology (�ready rubbed�, �Navy cut�) and the association with sailors and it�s the perfect gay vice.� �Shut the fuck up,� they explained.

�Cold cold hearts, end of story and I�m here all alone. Ask for what I�m missing, drinking words on the telephone.�

So we all know who�ll REALLY be bricking it over the next week or so in sunny Kabul. I doubt it will be whiskery ne�er-do-well Osama Bin Livininanuptownworld, or his cohorts manning the weapons factories and army bases. Oh, dear child, no. It�ll be the people working in the pencil factories and second hand car dealerships that we always seem to end up bombing by mistake. �This is Red Alpha to base�that munitions works we carpet bombed turned out to be a lemonade storage warehouse�.still, let�s see how having no fizzy drinks for a while affects their morale.�

�Make it happen make it real make it happen make you feel make it happen.�

The CIA belive reconstructive surgery could change Osama Bin Laden�s looks quite drastically. They issued the following as a guide: