2001-09-03 - 4:44 p.m.

�Flash! �Flash! I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!� �

I�ve just finished reading this book. The author is an annoyingly funny and talented Jewish writer, especially when dealing with members of the Klan (an especially funny scene is where he attends a rally and tries on one of their uniforms) and people who assert that the world is being run by a secret master race of twelve foot lizards referred to in the Old Testament. His major finding was that extremists across the fractured spectrum of political lunacy, from Nazis to Islamic fundamentalists to the buttock-clenchingly insane David Icke are united in a belief that an elite power controls everything, from the implementation of world leaders to the choice of condiments in your local KFC. The Illuminati. The Bilderberg group. Huge biblical reptiles. Call them what you will. Supposedly they meet every year in the forests of Northern California and perform a bizarre pagan owl worshipping ritual (not the lizards, obviously) and the author does actually witness this but it turns out to be not very sinister and anyone can just walk in. It�s basically just fat CEO�s getting drunk and pissing in bushes.

This idea of an elite power group and the illusion of democracy seems pretty obvious to me, not in some paranoid �let�s all run off into the countryside and live in a log cabin and surround ourselves with heavy firearms� kind of way, but in the way that governments can�t really have any power because governments don�t really have any money or resources. Sure they have armies, but what are armies without the evil private companies that manufacture and supply the weapons? What is a country without the scumfuck healthcare and drugs companies keeping it artificially limping along? I just think�there�s no secret conspiracy here�.it�s all just out in the open. Simple Marxism when you think about it. The power rests with those who control the means of production, comrade.

Ah, but what are you gonna do? At least you can just relinquish all social responsibility and concentrate on recreational drugs.

David Icke used to commentate on snooker for the BBC. Now he�s the son of God. I�m not sure why this revelation precludes him from commentating on the snooker any more � you�d think the BBC would be pretty pleased to have a deity rounding up the sporting action.

�What do you MEAN Flash Gordon approaching?! Open fire! All weapons!�

I just saw the film Hannibal, and a couple of minor irritations completely ruined the whole experience for me, and for everyone else in the room once I�d bought them up at some length. Firstly, Hannibal has escaped to Florence where, due to some weird linguistic quirk, everyone speaks English BUT IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT. At work, at home, even the telephone operator. Which is handy, natch. Nextly, though he�s the most wanted man on the planet, Dr Lecter seems to have been able to cross international borders and set himself up in a cushy job in academia without so much as the need for a false moustache, let alone any major cosmetic surgery. You keep half expecting a waiter to wander up to him in a caf�, and saying �Hey! You looka like-a da deranged-a psychopath wanted across da globe-a! Ah, but how-a can you be, uh? You�re just-a da kindly old professori!� I�m such fun to watch films with.

What a fantastic coincidence that Hannibal�s prediliction is for eating humans, therefore enabling that easily marketable nickname, Hannibal the Cannibal. They might have struggled with rapist or paedophile, no?

�Gordon�s ALIVE?!�

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