2001-08-02 - 7:34 p.m.

�Where�d ya park the car?�

I must look in particular need of emergency spiritual redemption at the moment � in the last 3 days I�ve been approached by three loony Christians offering to get me high on Jesus. Me and Jesus? We�ve seen better days. He shows little interest. I never return his calls. I can�t see any amazing reconciliations going on there, you know? Not that I didn�t used to think he was a pretty hot little date. It�s a little known fact that I was in my youth, vigorously Catholic. Jesus was puttin� out for me big time, and I couldn�t get enough. Church. Altar boy. Cursory molestation from a pissed old priest. The works. But I have to say it made me the man I am today. Repressed, guilt-ridden, amoral, twisted with misanthropy and devoid of any regard for the cooking instructions that accompany ready made meals. That kind of thing.

�Where�d ya park the car?�

So I took a newspaper from one of the loony Christians, promising that I�d be at their Jesus fest tomorrow night, but knowing full well I�ll be in a trendy bar drinking decadent amounts of expensive liqueur and eating cocktail olives from the navels of coked-up minor soap nymphettes. Or at least�in the pub. When I got home, I perused this publication, intrigued enough to ignore the new copies I�d bought of my favourite �specialist� literature, �Whining Underachievement Monthly� and �Modern Pureed Monkey Glands User�. All the �news� stories seemed to be obsessed with god and his power to save people from apparently every modern ill. They�re all just promotional pieces for J-stock, of course (�I was a gun-toting, baby-eating crack ho with poor credit rating. Then I found my faith! Now I have 14 children and Jesus pays my Amex bills!� You get the picture.) Then there�s a Question and Answer page, hosted by �Bishop� Ollie Carmello (made up name and looks like shoe shop clerk) Here is (I swear) a transcript of one of the letters:

Q. Do mediums and psychics have gifts given to them to help others?

A. Have you ever seen Charlton Heston playing Moses in the film of the same name? He and his brother go to Pharaoh to show what God can do. It turns into a fierce power struggle. Aaron throws down his stick and it becomes a snake. The Egyptian magicians throw down their sticks and they become snakes too. However, Aaron�s snake swallows up all the other snakes! It�s the same thing today! Consulting mediums is forbidden and no-one has any �powers�. True help is from God and that includes the medical services.

I think he means the film �The Ten Commandments�, but you can�t expect a holy man like the bishop to know such trivia. Especially when he�s so busy giving out such illuminating and incisive advice to his flock.

Sadly, two pages later, there�s a full page feature on how God, and giving vast amounts of cash to his church, can help those who are being persecuted by practitioners of witchcraft, which kind of goes against what Bishop C (the Dr Nick of the religious establishment) has just said about no-one having any special powers. Here�s crazy a thought! Maybe the whole thing is a scam to line the mothergrubbin� pockets of people who can live with heartlessly exploiting the poor and needy.

Having said that, everyone who goes gets a free bottle of olive oil �from the holy city of Jerusalem�, so I could be tempted if that soap-star-navel thing doesn�t pan out.

�Where�d ya park the car?�

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