2001-06-18 - 12:14 a.m.

�Boss: Oh come on Ray. What about a Chocolate Choo Choo? It's a girl drink. Tastes like candy. [in low-pitched voice] Don't disappoint me Ray.

Ray: Okay uh, sure Russ. I'll have a... Chocolate Choo Choo.�

Welcome to today�s lessons. Please pay close attention, and feel free to take notes.

1.Never, no matter how good an idea it seems at the time, try to �trim� your pubic hair with electric clippers. You don�t need to know much more, only that potential �nicks� are extremely painful and could cause you to drop said clippers on unprotected feet.

2.When half drunk, switching to Flaming Sambucas can really push you over the edge. Just say no, popkids. Still, you know me, I like my beer cold and my Sambucas Fllllllaaaaaaming.

3.It�s really not a good idea to bound up to female acquaintances and tap them on their apparently ample tummies and say, �When�s it due, then?� The question �Why, do I look pregnant?� is a particularly tricky one to answer tactfully, especially when aforementioned state of pregnancy is obviously now in some doubt. Things took a downward slide when it also transpires that said girl and boyf have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 2 years. Hey, can I just call attention to the fact that you�re fat AND barren! Thankfully, this wasn�t actually me, but I saw it happen and it wasn�t pretty.

Awkward phone call a-go-go as well as I called a friend to ask her out for a few rounds of Flaming Sambucas She declined, as her previously very sick mother was now dying. So of course, the conversation suddenly becomes just a lot of unspoken nods at this fact: �So, er, how is she?� (apart from dying) �Got any plans for the summer?� (after your mum dies), �Well, I hope things don�t get too, um, stressful for you.� (when your mum dies). I�m bad at handling this kind of thing. Talk�smalltalk�smalltalk about death.

�Boss: Waitress, could my friend have another Bourbon Bugs' Blood?

Waitress: Will he need a fresh bib? �

Things that have induced hangover-tinged love today: My dad�s delight at his fathers day present of a �strimmer� (not sure what it is, even. Some kind of gardening implement that I gave the money to my mum to buy for him.), finding out a record I bought for 50p is now worth over �100 (it goes on e-bay like THIS WEEK) and a drunken message on my answerphone which I had to listen to 50 times. It all makes you feel better.

�Boss: Ray, I'm sorry to have to tell you this [sitting down in his chair] but you missed a whole week's work.

Ray: But I can 'splain.

Boss: No Ray. No 'splanations necessary. It's your drinking. It's got outta control. Let's face it Ray: you're a girl drink drunk. We've gotta let you go.�

Today�s special guests