2001-05-20 - 11:37 p.m.

�Still, you may understand me, I guess. Now you think I am a nasty bit of goods, I guess.�

OK, so Belfast isn�t the bomb-infested terrorist fest that I half-jokingly assumed it would be. Quite the opposite � it�s all minimalist bars and designer beers and skinny lattes and Dido on the CD player. Of course, you can take the bus tour out to the east of the city and see the catholic and protestant areas, with the all the murals of the nice men with balaclavas military fatigues and automatic weapons, but the locals all just seem to humorously play it down. Here�s the street between the ghettos where most of the murdering took place! Here�s the Europa, the most bombed hotel in Europe! How we laughed. But it does all seem a million miles away as you�re playing with your ramen noodles in a chic pacific rim restaurant, trying to tempt the girl from the tourist board with the sexy accent into sharing a side of gyoza.

�Yes, I am unreliable, capricious, cheeky, wilful, luxurious, affected, lying, dubious and random��

During the day, I was shown round by a travel rep. A perfectly pleasant but huge woman � the kind that�s so kind of�rugged, that anything feminine like jewellery on her looks faintly ridiculous. She was very keen to make a good impression, and would apologise for EVERYTHING, like a sandwich in a cafe that took 10 seconds too long to arrive, and even when I was bothered by a particularly persistent wasp (�Sorry, we don�t usually have much bother with insects��). So that got a bit annoying. So too did the way she introduced me to everyone as �The journalist, Pablo Garcia.� Like I�d recently won the Pulitzer prize and was touring the city so that ordinary people could pay general homage to me. It immediately made people think �Who�s this wanker?�, not a great jumping off point for any journalistic endeavour. But it�s a great city � back from the brink, and I recommend you go with all speed.

French Uma�s got a new boyfriend. Chuffing bollocks.

�But I am loved because I am cute.�

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