2001-02-07 - 15:23:35

�Well I�ll take my time, gettin� over it�girl blow my mind, there�s no controllin� it��

Selected valentine�s messages from this week�s P�vate Eye Magazine:

SPROGGIT molehusband makes Mrs Mousey bouce.

242 at 5.10, SW3 absolute misery

Whewell, William Toulouse Lautrec Short Arse, ILY

Now, call me a twisted old cynic who�s seething with bile as he won�t be getting any cards and awaits the 14th with nothing but ill-feeling and misanthropy, but I�m sure these are just coded messages for covert terrorist activity. Especially that second one.

Still, I just heard the news and I was glad to hear that people with guns are wandering up to the White House already, in the hope of getting a pot-shot at Georgie boy. Restores your faith in American politics.

In non-related, post-party breaking news. Two of my male friends, both known homosexuals, have started seeing each other. What a great matchmaker I am, even unintentionally. And just in time for Valentines. Eeeeewwwwwwww.

�Well you�re blowin� me smoke and I don�t know why, but I�m curious�you give me the flick and now I know why�it�s so obvious��

Every day when I walk down the road I have to walk past a flat that has a lifesize cut-out of the cast of Friends looking out of the window. What is the point of this? Does the occupant want us to think, even for a split second, that the cast of Friends are in their north London flat looking out of the window? Why? Why? Why would you want that? If I find out David Schwimmer lives there, I�m definitely putting a brick through the window.

Hahaha, I spent about an hour slagging off thingy Cox-Arquette�s hair to my new flatmate when she was watching it the other night and then I looked up and saw she had almost exactly the same hairstyle. Cue: �Er, it just doesn�t look good on her��

�You�re just my kind, you�re so mysterious�what�s on your mind? You�re so serious�Girl what�s your sign? Vegetarius?�

Today�s special guests