2006-01-23 - 6:20 p.m.

God, I just got back from a walk along the Thames. I�ve never seen a more whale-free river. I don�t know what in heavens to Betsy everyone is going on about.

It just goes to show what bankable news stories animals of any kind make. I know a whale in the Thames is unusual, but on Friday Sky News had five codding hours of salivating, unbroken coverage.

It made for amusing newsroom padding if nothing else - especially having to have their crime correspondent speculate on what kind of whale it might or might not be ("A question...for the experts..." he said, helpfully.)

Other life-aquatic related anchorman musings include "So�(thinks to self for a second)�have humans actually cracked the whale language?" (hastily flown-in expert: "Er...no") and the illuminating "I think it might be bleeding from the�tail�area�there's some red redness in the water..."

I wonder what else was happening in the world? Now we�ll never know.

Anyway, the poor little mite never made it as you will probably know, and though I�m hardly one to celebrate wanton whale death like a cold-hearted, sea-mammal hating robot, I was thinking there was probably some top grade sushi up for grabs that night in, say, the overpriced Japanese food swankery of Nobu. Whale meat again. Don�t know where, don�t know when.

It�s weird that whales capture the public attention in this way. Why them? And not, say, newts? �A newt has somehow found its way into the Thames today, and looks to be in some distress. We can cut live to our on the spot newt expert to tell us lots of meaningless guff about the animal itself�� Is it because a whale is a mammal? Or because it is just�big? If the latter, I take exception. What�s up? A member of the animal kingdom dips under a certain girth and it�s off your fucking love list?

OK, well, as long as there are news crews descending when my fish decide to shuffle off this finny coil. At least Ken and FreemanHardyWillis could survive more than a day in a river, unlike some oceanic lightweights that I could mention.

Apparently the memorial service will be held in Wednesday at St Paul�s Cathedral. Sir Elton John will lead the congregation in �And it seemed to me, he lived his life, like a whale in the Thames��