2005-09-13 - 4:53 p.m.

Ah, its great to be back � soz, Fl-horrid-a (hahaha, just my little joke) � but I was beginning to go slightly insane, eating on my own every night with only crap TV and the internet for company. Last night, I kicked back in an empty flat, surfing the web and watching soap operas, so as you can see it�s a complete contrast, there.

The flight back was relatively crash free, though we were penned in at Miami airport for a few hours whilst some storm that didn�t even merit its own name had a strop on the runway.

I had driven for five hours from Bore-lando Calrissian (to give it its full title) to be there on time, so this did nothing to improve my snitty mood. Admittedly this had involved several hours sitting eating donuts in roadside service stations, though, so it was my own fault in some respects.

I have a full three days before heading to the Maldives (spit out your �opposites of sympathy� globules this way now) but a workload that almost makes me want to cancel three nights� heavy socialising, so intimidating is it in size and severity.

So I can�t harp on too much. Instead, I will steal this from the book of the Daily Show, one of my very favourite birthday gifts. It�s a variation on the �what�s your X name?� thing, but very funny, which will make a nice change for readers of this diary. (By the way, Todd, I decided my Drag Name should be �Faye de Whey� � it only took me a month to come up with. I still have to work on my white-trash mechanic name�)

(Reproduced without permission, but maybe someone will buy your book off the back of it, Mr Stewart. You should be thankful.)

�What will you call yourself? Use one of the formulas below to create your new TV-approved name:

Anchorman
Formula: One-syllable type of construction material + breed of horse
Examples: Brick Shetland, Chip Clydesdale, Stone Winchester, Wood Lippizaner

Sportscaster / Weatherman
Formula: One-syllable kitchen-related verb + nonsensical multi-syllable compound
Examples: Flip Greencat, Dash Stedboat, Slice Carhat, Squirt Mudbottom

Women
Formula: Regular first name with pretentious mis-spelling + alliterative last name that sounds like a first name.
Examples: Daran Davids, Mikhaela Michaels, Larra Leslees, Jennn Jonnnson

Hispanic
Formula: Name of saint + Spanish swearword
Examples: Ignacio Cabron, Maria Pendejo, Fransisco tu madre es una puta fea

Asian
Formula: Name of child from The Waltons + sound you make when struck in solar plexus
Examples: Mary Ellen Huk, Ben Puh, John Boy Oh."