2004-09-30 - 4:11 p.m.

Bangkok, Thailand

So the ceremony was a weirdly glitzy affair, managing at the same time to reach levels of dullness usually reserved for financial auditing. i sadly didn't get to make a speech, so i thought i would relate the one i had planned, to have been delivered in Thai, of course. In a west Bangkok accent.

"Ladies and Gentlemen...my fellow Americans...(pause for laughter). This is so much bigger than me. Not in a physical sense, obviously, though a foot high, two kilo golden statue of someone apparently in the throws of semi-rhythmic muscular spasm is still going to have nothing but a detrimental effect on my baggage allowance. Not in a metaphorical sense either since it's about the least heard of award since Moses took the all-Israel bog snorkelling title. But anyway. It's been a long, hard, journey. Not in a physical sense, obviously...oh, hang on, I already used that gag. But it's been tough. Often, several testing minutes of research have gone into what are essentially overblown adverts for new hotels. The hardship has been as relentless as it has been unrelenting. Every poolside cocktail, every hosted dinner, every treatment undergone for that in-depth spa report that i flogged to some dull wedding publication. It's been difficult. Sometimes I doubted my resolve. Sometimes my glass went unfilled for several seconds. Sometimes I thought I could have done more. Perhaps I could have been more enthused about the size of the shower unit in that junior suite. I could have taken notes on that fiftieth tour of the grand palace when i suddenly realised that I still couldn't really recall a single fact about it. So I thank the panel of judges for this oddly-shaped gaudy bauble and the chance to lie on my CV. This is for underachievers everywhere. This is for slackers everywhere. This is for black women everywhere. Thank you so much. What's that? Where am I going to put it? On my bedside table. Well, there or eBay. Good night, and thanks for all the free Tom Yam soup."