2004-05-12 - 3:00 p.m.

Kickasso Human Cheese Products may diversify into the toy market and introduce the Lynndie England Action Figure. Easy to operate �thumbs up� � hand gestures! Optional naked Iraqi front bottom to point at! It�s a shame the prison isn�t stationed in Saudi Arabia, as then they could have made a biopic of her called �Shaving Riyad�s Privates�. Or something.

When I first saw all those pictures of people in hoods, I thought it was just promo pics for the new Harry Potter film, but I soon realised that no girlfriend of the boy wizard would be smoking a cigarette whilst pointing rudely at his meat and two veg � we all know how smoking on film offends everyone�s sensibilities!

The family of Ms England (God, her parent�s must be proud! She�s like the party version of Jessica Lynch!) have said that she would never do such things of her own accord and that the orders must have come from above. You can just hear the commanding officer�s voice now; �England! Pose for Polaroids whilst grinning lewdly and gesturing at the prisoner�s heathen tadger!�

The moral legitimacy of invading and occupying Iraq, slaughtering kids and bombing the faces off innocent civilians is intact though, because apparently the relentless torture and abuses of basic human rights is done in a much more humane manner since the Americans took over from Saddam. The US still rape, terrorise and mutilate innocent people, but Saddam used to give Chinese burns, dead legs and noogies at the same time, so complaints are down.

Hmmm.

Speaking of unimaginable horror and humiliation, which, if any, set of circumstances � a bleak, post-nuclear future where everyone has had their ears melted off, for instance - do you think would make it permissible to perform We Didn�t Start the Fire by Billy Joel at karaoke? Probably none, but I have always found the line �JFK! Blown away! What else do I have to say?!� quite rousing. Maybe I should just try and work it into conversation.