2003-02-07 - 7:48 p.m.

I don�t usually like to lock argumentative horns with people, women, I guess, who are expecting babies � mostly because most of them are a great deal cleverer than I am, and besides, it�s two against one. We had a recent houseguest, though, who unfortunately combined being about to further the species with the cerebral dynamics of a bedside lamp. With a voice like an agitated waterfowl on helium, she asked me if I�d �like to see the photos�, by which she meant appreciate the photographic rendering of her wombal cavity, replete with gestating foetus of indiscernible shape or political leaning.

The only question I could readily formulate outside of �Why are you doing this to the human race? Is it personal?� was to see if she�d been advised which gender the sprog was expected to be. She said that the hospital had offered to tell her, but that she wanted it to be a surprise.

�Well,� I said, �It still would be a surprise because you don�t know, just that the surprise is removed at an earlier point.�

�No, I mean a surprise on the day.�

�Well, it would be a surprise on A day, just not the day you give birth.�

�No, I want to leave it until as late as possible and then I wouldn�t know.�

�Well, by that rationale, why not have the little bleeder�s genitals taped up as soon as you pop it out and that way you can savour the suspense even more and remove the surprise for its fourth fucking birthday or something.�

Actually, I just thought that last bit, and settled for walking away before the whole thing got too tawdry for words.