2001-12-22 - 4:14 p.m.
�I may not always love you�But long as there are stars above you�You never need to doubt it, I'll make you so sure about it�God only knows what I'd be without you��
�Are we all going to die on the plane, mummy?�
Aw, children can say the cutest things at the boarding gate. His dad instantly gagged him with a well-placed hand, but if you ask me, the kid had a fair point. Accompanying a plane load of festive mewlers into a frozen tundra isn�t the most attractive proposition I�ve ever received, but it�s not every day you get to go to the Arctic Circle, so off we (a fab friend stepped in to save me the inconvenience of having to abduct a suitable toddler) headed north, the words of the boarding gate child-prophet ringing in our ears, not to mention the high-pitched whining of the �carols�, as the stewardesses let the monsters loose on the public address system to ensure that no-one rudely went to asleep.
Northern Finland, as formerly populated by the Laps (?) doesn�t have much in the way of anything apart from admittedly amazing scenery, if you�re into heavy snowfall and fir tress as a central motif. But this weird Santa resort has been constructed, and it�s a big tourist draw, which is strange given that the outside temperature was a coddling-crunching minus thirty one degrees centigrade. We�d hit some kind of freak cold snap, and even the locals were conceding that it was a tad nippy. Apparently, the schools don�t close until it hits minus forty, when I presume everyone is too busy having fatal bouts of hypothermia to give maths lessons.
The entertainment was eclectic to say the least. First of all we were daubed in charcoal for no readily obvious reason by a nervous girl in national costume, who muttered something about us �all being her reindeer now� � I�m assuming she was on the staff, and not just some evangelistic wing of a sinister Inuit cult. Then we were lead away to some actual reindeer, who, even apart from the one who was meant to be Rudolph, looked like they hadn�t played any reindeer games in a long, long time, and the highlight of their �day� (all 2 hours of sunlight) was pulling us around in a circle. The rapid onset of chronic frostbite was allayed as we retired for lunch, the smaller children being placed directly into the fire stoves to thaw out.
�If you should ever leave me�Though life would still go on believe me�The world could show nothing to me�So what good would living do me�God only knows what I'd be without you��
A 2pm sunset was the backdrop to us taking our own snowmobiles (apparently the technical name is �Skidoo�) into the woods. This was actually quite cool � we were like a rural chapter of the Hells Angels on skis, though the sound of bawling as we lost the warming light of the midday sun drowned out the diesel engines. You could get a fair bit of speed, and I felt a bit like James Bond, or at least the guy out of the Milk Tray advert, until I banked us into a off-piste snowdrift, not inspiring huge amounts of confidence in the mother and child I forgot we were pulling. There was some remedial cabin action as Santa emptied his bulging sack, much to the delight of the surviving children, and then it was a quick husky ride before the old, traditional neon-lit gift shops.
The flight home was relatively subdued thanks to tiredness and the onset of acute facial gangrene, and thankfully the movie announced by the attendant (�Shriek�) turned out to be the less sinister �Shrek�. It seemed to keep the little cabbages quiet, at least. A strange old day, but given some of the views and the delightful non-toddler company, I�m glad I did it, though I�m quite pissed off that I forgot my novelty certificate for crossing the Arctic Circle. Do you think I can still use it on my resum�?
Anyway, having survived the, erm, interesting weather conditions and the being surrounded by excitable infants, I�m confident that the holidays will be a piece of cake. Three days en famille will be a comparative delight, and at least I won�t have to wear seven layers of clothing.
Whatever you�re doing, have a good one. Live wrong, and prosper.
Px
�If you should ever leave me�Though life would still go on believe me�The world could show nothing to me�So what good would living do me�God only knows what I'd be without you��
