2006-02-20 - 8:43 a.m.

Ste Anne, Seychelles.

Jeez, I never felt like the only single person on an entire archipelago before. The marketing board should bill the place as 115 coral islands of unadulterated (and unadulter-ied, I presume), brimming-over couplehood. Coupledom? Couplelapolooza?

Here in da island hood of Ste Anne, it�s all neatly cocooned in a shimmering testament to five star accommodation, and I laid it out for them crazy bitches at guest services straight � I don�t mix with no hoi and even less with no polloi, yo. Quicker than two shakes of a lamb�s tail, I got my detached villa. Actually that�s all they had left. I accepted politely.

It�s a little big, but since when was that something to moan about? There�s enough rooms for me to spread out my clothes quite thinly. Shorts here. Shirts there. Sure I COULD be more than ten yards from a fresh pair of socks, but frankly, why SHOULD I be? Also, I had to walk all the way over here from my private beach, complete with baby reef sharks nosing up to slightly scare you by looking at your toes too long, so you can appreciate the strain I�m under here. It�s quite shocking.

It�s like I was saying to my main men Iba and Hanse � �I�ll have a lager, please. Just three more and then I�d really better hit the sack.� When you�re on your own in the dragon�s den of happy families (there are children falling out of the rafters here. French children. And why do all French children look like they�ve come directly from a casting call for a Benneton ad?), the bar staff are your only friends. Not least because they are the only other people in the bar. 160 people capacity. 85 per cent full. 10pm. Not one other guest having a post-dinner drink. You do the math.

(s).

Continental lightweights. What with their moderation, and childcare commitments.

Iba said he would take a drink with me, except he�s a devout muslim and can�t, or won�t. But he makes a fine cocktail for a religious Johnny. I�m guessing Hanse is slightly less devout, given that he invited me to go to the capital with him on Wednesday night to �get pissed and meet some fucking women� (his colloquial English is very impressive for a Seychellois) � not part of the basic tenets of the Koran as far as I know. But �m no theologian. I think Hanse has been working too hard. Also, it would have to be a blitzkrieg operation given that the last boat back is at about 7pm. Still, I admire his zeal, as well as his willingness to keep an empty bar open.

It�s raining a lot for the first time in four years according to the locals, by which I mean Iba and Hanse, obviously. Still, I do have three TVs.