2005-11-09 - 4:05 p.m.

Another day, another eye specialist visit. Thankfully this time they refrained from jamming silicone splinters down my tear ducts, and it was quite low key. The yellow eye drops and the doc turning my lids inside out I can handle�as long as there isn�t the promise of anything spiky.

I have a massive crush on my doctor. She�s this slim, dark, sultry, middle-aged Jewish woman with voice so soft you don�t even mind hearing about irreversible corneal damage or chronic levels of tear production. I�m even considering faking symptoms just to extend our monthly sessions. And when she reaches over to pull back my eyelid in that coquettish way of hers, well, to be honest I don�t know if things go blurry because of her or the keratoconjunctivitisicca!

But anyway. She�s stumped. And if someone with her figure doesn�t know, then frankly I �m pessimistic about the chances of the rest of medical science, who I�m told don�t even look so good in a black pencil skirt.

I�m on steroids now (yes, even as I type!). I�m not too sure why as I zoned out whilst she was doing her lengthy explanation, but I suppose it means I will be banned from international staring competitions or the professional I Spy circuit. They frown on performance-enhancing drugs, apparently. I�m hoping my eyes will beef up nicely, though, and I will be able to enjoy some hott ocular definition � perhaps even a little iris six pack. I know there is the side effect of eyebrow shrinkage, but I figure it�s worth it to achieve the kind of shape I�ve always dreamed of. Sure, I�ve seen the ads about taking narcotic substances (�These are your eyes�These are your eyes on steroids��) but I�m living on the edge (of my peripheral vision, that is.)

Pretty soon I should be up to 500 blinks a minute, and perhaps thanks to some other side effects give someone the hairy eyeball � literally.

Sure, people will laugh and point at my bulked-up peepers, but it�s worth it just in the pursuit of perfection�and when I go back into that surgery, well, let�s just say that doctor isn�t going to know whether to operate on my eyes or use �em to crack nuts.

That�s all I�m saying.

Thanks for this, Todd:

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