2005-10-21 - 4:27 p.m.

San Diego, California.

It�s been a couple of years since I came to the west coast and I forgot what a flipping arse-numbingly long flight it is, especially when there is only one film worth watching, and that film is Dark Water, a �horror� film where the horror part stems from slightly faulty plumbing. To be honest, I was more petrified by the amount of satsumas the woman next to me was eating � she had bought an entire shopping bag full and was wolfing them down like some kind of citrus freak, though perhaps she had an irrational fear of contracting beriberi?

The usual warm welcome is extended at Los Angeles immigration. By �warm welcome�. I of course mean a verbal seeing-to by the cold, unblinking roboguards that man the borders with all the charm of a clenched fist. I know they have to be rigid, and I�m used to the flint-nosed ferreting into my travelling business, but this time was a bit more surreal.

After the fingerprint and retina scans, he took a long look at my photo.

�You�ve got exactly the same look,� he monotoned. �Er, have I�?� I wasn�t sure if he was about to compliment me on how well I was ageing, but I was trying to remain noncommittal.

�You�re wearing the exact same jacket as five years ago, and you look just the same.� This was more accusatory now, but two things occurred to me. Firstly, the passport is three and a half years old, not five; and secondly, in the photo I am wearing a black shirt and no jacket � not the green t-shirt and grey jacket I had on. I didn�t really know what to say.

�You have exactly the same LOOK?� OK, now we�re almost shouting.

I wasn�t sure how to defend myself. Was I really being accused of looking TOO MUCH LIKE my passport photo?

�Er, I guess,� I mumbled, �Though I�m not sure I�ve had this jacket for fi�.�

�OK, you can go through.�

Well, thanks, bucko. Like to fuck with people much? Jesus.

Anyway, me and my unchanging physical appearance made the short hop over to San Diego. A new city to explore and, perhaps more importantly, three days to prepare myself, mentally and spiritually, for the apple pie festival.