2005-10-11 - 1:33 p.m.

Total mixed bag of a day today as I have an afternoon of tear-duct fun at the eye hospital, but I am in print for the first time in months (Eve Standard trav supplement. Londoners). Anyway, too little time to think of searingly witty original prose, so I will just do that quiz that everyone else is doing.

Name someone with the same birthday as you.
The policeman with a wheel for legs in the 70s TV programme Jamie and the Magic Torch. TRUEPABLOFACT.

Where was your first kiss?
In the boy�s toilets of my primary school. I had just shown Mia Parkinson my Spiderman underpants and she had just shown me her Wonder Woman knickers. Hence the unstoppable wave of sexual energy. It�s three weeks later, and I�m still thinking about it.

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Does intellectual property count? I may have done that.

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
I wouldn�t dare.

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
Yes. I have been in several unsuccessful bands as the lead singer, though I hope the two facts are not related. We once headlined at the Camden Monarch in front of around 250 people, which in shit band terms is not bad going.

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
I try to sneak a glance at their Primary Sexual Characteristics.

What really turns you on?
In terms of the fetishes we all have, mine is very mundane but nevertheless very specific.

What do you order at Starbucks?
Them to cease trading and commit ritual suicide, if a corporate entity can do such a thing. RIGHT, KIDS?

What is your biggest mistake?
Jesus. Where to even begin? Remember, though � �The man who never made a mistake never made anything.� It�s lies like that which get you through the day.

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
No. I�m way too much of a coward.

Say something totally random about yourself.
In 1982, I won first prize in the county Fire Prevention competition by badly painting a box of matches with the phrase �Protect me from Children� scrawled under it. My teacher came up with the entire thing.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
There�s an entire spectrum. From good to bad, then:

Billy Zane, Moby, Andre Agassi, a �fat� Moby, Kenny Chesney, EastEnders� Grant Mitchell, EasEnder�s� Phil Mitchell, Phil Collins.

Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Unless you count The Simpsons, not a chance.

Did you have braces?
No, my pants have always stayed up by themselves. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Are you comfortable with your height?
I don�t think you can ever underestimate the benefit of an extra couple of inches.

What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Shown me their Wonder Woman knickers.

When do you know it's love?
You usually don�t until somebody tells you.

Do you speak any other languages?
French: Comme ci, comme ca. Spanish: Pocito. Japanese: Sukoshi, desu ne?

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
Once, I think, when I was 17. In my defence it WAS the 1980s.

What magazines do you read?
Private Eye. For some reason I always buy The Economist at airports, possibly to look less of a security threat.

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
For two days on a driving tour of the farms of the Sonoma Valley - possibly the least appropriate circumstances imaginable, and very uncomfortable. .

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Both granddads.

Do you watch MTV?
Not since they stopped actually playing any music.

What's something that really annoys you?
Inconsideration of any kind.

What's something you really like?
When it goes well: working for myself.

Do you like Michael Jackson?
The Chief Executive of Channel Four from 1997-2001? He seems alright.

Can you dance?
To a very limited repertoire of indie hits, yes.

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
Greeting the dawn in New Orleans is a good tradition.

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes, after an unmarked police car being driven by a drunk copper smashed into a car I was in. Escaped with whiplash and nearly lost an eye. He ran off and was never identified. Nice.

Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Of course. There are two kinds of people: those who finish what they start, and so on.