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2005-08-17 - 12:55 p.m.

There�s nothing that quite sets you up for a sophisticated night out on the town than stepping into a huge steaming pile of doggy faeces half way to your destination.

Saturday night, me and Bruce headed out into London�s bright lights, only for me to accrue more canine wastage than was strictly necessary via the sole of my shoe. There was no question of turning back, but thanks to the adept use of puddles and grass, I had most of it off by the time we arrived at the S0h0 Theatre, and I wasn�t too paranoid about having to sit through an hour�s stand-up smelling like the mucking out lad from Battersea dog kennels.

We had a pre-show drink in the theatre bar, and I availed myself of the toilet facilities to make sure that all traces of the do-doos were gone. As we were queuing to go into the auditorium, Bruce also went up to have a slash, and when he came back, he was flush with minor excitement on spotting a vaguely famous comedian (J1mmy C@rr) sitting in the lobby outside the lavs. Jimmy had said �Alright mate?� to Bruce for no apparent reason, but it was celebrity interaction nonetheless. �You have to go up and see him,� said Bruce. �But it will look strange, and I�ve only just used the toilet,� I said. �But if you don�t go and have a look, I could be making it up.� Well, there�s no arguing with logic like that, so up the stairs I went to catch a glimpse of Jimmy.

In the lobby, he was nowhere to be seen. He must have left, I thought. Since I was up there, I just wanted to make ABSOLUTELY sure that my shoes were as clean as they could possibly be, so I slipped into the bathroom. Once in, I made sure no-one was around, yanked off my shoe and started to rinse it under the tap. I didn�t really notice the cubicle door open, but as I looked up from my cleaning, shoe in hand, tap water sloshing over it, who should be stood next to me at the sink looking askance but Jimmy himself.

Well, it�s hard to think of something to say in these situations, really, and Jimmy was too busy looking horrified to say anything approaching �Alright mate?� So I just brazened it out, as if cleaning pooch shit off your shoe under a tap in a public toilet was the most natural thing in the world�

I think I got away with it, though if it shows up in any of his routines, I�m going to emigrate.

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