2005-04-14 - 4:15 p.m.

So the last of the political parties launched their manifestoes today (whenever I say that word I always think of the Sultans of Ping song: �I like your manifesto � put it to the testo� and then I remember I�m no longer a nineteen year old down the student union drinking cider and black and I hate myself) and the timeless wonder of the democratic process is in full swing. Of course, the timeless wonder of the democratic process would be much more impressive if it weren�t dogshit boring and run by men with all the charisma of a colonic irrigation.

To paraphrase Bill Hicks, it's not that I disagree with the party leaders� various economic policies or their foreign policies, it's that I believe...they are the children of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth. I mean here are a group of people ready to make almost any compromise to get into power. They�re fighting over the centre in a brawl that makes half-price entry mud wrestling night at Pete�s Down n� Dirty Foxy Boxing Shack look dignified.

Tony Blair looks like he might start crying at any point, always starting his answers with �Now LOOK��, like he�s going to go into an irascible snit if you dare disagree with him, Michael Howard is the least convincing man of the people since King Herod launched the Bethlehem Bouncing Baby competition and Charles Kennedy is too busy feeding his newly arrived mewling cabbage to remember basic figures � you half expect him to start mixing baby food at the press conferences.

If anyone were going to start a Leave Me the Fuck Alone Until the Next Corporate Puppet Gets Installed Party, they might just get my vote. I know people died for this, but surely they died for people�s right to vote in what they BELIEVE in, and unless there�s an ABSTAIN section on that ballot paper, just having some choice isn�t enough, not by any stretch.

I thought I might use that for the introduction to my Best Man�s speech on Saturday. Get a debate going, you know.

Actually, the funniest suggestion I have had was from Jennifer, who suggested I pay homage to the late Andrea Dworkin, and open up with:

�Ladies and Gentlemen, heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women's bodies."

If you have any better ideas, I�m happy to field them.