2005-04-03 - 5:22 p.m.

Early 30s white male, bottle of Evian, fake vintage t-shirt bought from a high street chain store, slight hangover and a copy of the Observer. That�s me on the train back to London this morning, but also, it�s depressing to note, just about every other passenger in the carriage. It�s one of those mornings where you wake up and find you�ve mistakenly come out as some clone from a dull Sunday supplement. Ah, well. At least it wasn�t just me.

I can recommend a great start to the weekend as telling your parents you�ve just come out of a long term relationship with a female of the opposite sex for no readily forthcoming reason and then minutes later being found by your dad booking tickets online for the London Gay and Lesbian film festival, your hasty interjections that it was just because it was a documentary about Morrissey raising yet more questions even as it reassures.

Still, the Ailing Pontiff � carked it, so at least that took the heat off me for a while. I�m hoping the next Pope won�t take the same name as I can�t go on sharing my forenames with the head of the Catholic church. I think they should be Trevor, or perhaps Allan.

Would it be disrespectful to work on prototypes for an Ailing Pontiff � (In)Action Figure? I�m thinking it could raise its frail arms at windows whilst making croaking noises, and make controversial statements about the use of contraceptives.

My mum met the Pope once, but she has yet to be asked about her experiences for any TV news programmes. I say �met�. It was more �shook his hand as he walked past thousands of Catholics�. That could explain it.

It was a shame they didn�t put his holiness on a life support machine, though. I know of at least one feeding tube that was going begging. Mind you, when they announced late last week that he was feeding through his nose, my first thought was that he was doing it for kicks and performing some kind of late miracle.

I guess he did some great things � reconciling the church with Judaism, fighting communist oppression in Poland and racking up some serious frequent flyer miles for the Vatican. Just a shame about those pronouncements on using condoms (whoops, sorry Africa!) and homosexuality (booking tickets to see Morrissey documentaries apparently carries a five Hail Mary penance) and women priests (like Bill Hicks said, �Now there�s priests of two genders I don�t listen to��).

I wonder how it will affect the market stalls in Camden which sell those �I like the Pope � the Pope smokes dope� t-shirts. It�s the forgotten victims I feel for.