2005-03-18 - 7:51 a.m.

I�ve been trying to kick-start my liver into some kind of posthumous detox action by eating red food � beetroot, cranberry, large bloody mary�s, that kind of thing. It was all very well until my first post-digestive bathroom manoeuvre. I don�t want to go into more detail than you care to know, but I spent about 35 seconds thinking my kidneys had been forcefully expelled following some kind of internal drive by shooting from a minor organ with a grudge. I�ve never been so relieved to suddenly remember beetroot juice.

I always knew this would be a tough week, post-stag do of the friend. The near-alcoholic friend. The ale hound. The pint shunter. The booze jockey. Personally I�m just glad to come out the other side with at least semi-functioning innards, and a week or two off the sauce won�t do me any harm. I haven�t had a break that long since I was about 15, and I�m sure even then that was entirely down to logistical reasons rather than any puritanical motivation on my part.

Sadly, my sobriety is being tested to its limits by having seen three completely bobbins films on three consecutive nights. First up was The Woodsman where, and look away if you don�t want it spoiled, but if I read it right, a paedophile who rapes young girls quasi-redeems himself by beating up a paedophile who rapes young boys. Say what you like about the lead character, but at least he�s a good, honest, upstanding heterosexual paedophile, not like those nasty gay ones. Jesus. Ma Mere has the equally delightful premise of incest, and sports the touching scene of a young boy masturbating over the corpse of his dead mother. Well, who hasn�t? I was welling up, I can tell you. Tonight was Sixteen Years of Alcohol, and we also watched a crapola film of the same name! Hahahaha. I kill myself sometimes.

Overheard conversation on the bus � a young trendy couple are looking at a shivering homeless guy out of the window.

Her: Look at that guy in the blanket.

Him: Yeah, I�d hate to be out on the streets.

Her: No, his blanket is the exact same one they give you in Business Class on Mexican Airlines.

Meantime, after looking for a job, I have found a job, and heaven knows I�m, well, glad of the money.