2005-03-09 - 10:28 a.m.

Er, I seemed to have developed a temporary bout of dyslexia that last entry � obviously caught up in the throws of delirious, piss-inducing excitement at the prospect of another spring roll. It must have been the heat, or something.

But anyways up, just in off the surprisingly civilised overnight flight from Bangkok, and only in a state of semi physical shock to the difference in temperature. I assumed London might have turned into a vernal paradise in my one week absence, but sadly it is still weather that could freeze the knackers off a brassy monk.

Still, it beats the morning I spent at breakfast yesterday with The World�s Most Jaded Journalist�. I�d just plonked down my mixed grill, and before even attempting a cheery morning halloo, the surly middle aged Irishman comes out with, �Pablo, you know I could do some really serious damage to you with a handgun.� I wasn�t sure if he was issuing some kind of unwarranted threat � i.e. the kind I am generally accustomed to � but it turned out to be a preface to an hour�s lecture on the gun-toting trials of being a foreign correspondent. OK, you�ve got me, I have never had to fear for my life on a daily basis (at least, not since I moved from Finsbury Park) � I am an inferior journalist to you and deficient in every way as a human being. His choice quote about Iraq was: �At least when I was out there and Saddam was in power you could go out and get a drink. Now all they do is sit in their hotel rooms shitting themselves.� He later told me about his chronic haemorrhoid problem, so he was probably doubly glad that he wasn�t there now.

The trip focus and cultural highlight, though, was a visit to a bizarre cultural theme park in the south, intended to be a stylised version of, the, er, country you are in. I couldn�t make out their motto, but it must mean something like �Because being in our actual country just isn�t enough�. They may as well have called it ThailandLand. It�s basically an elephant-heavy Thai Disney with people breaking into traditional dances at surprising moments, but what a bizarro concept. I was trying to imagine what a British theme park would be like � Tea World, Light Drizzle Park and a rollercoaster based on cricket, perhaps.