2005-02-28 - 2:00 p.m.

If I ever won an Oscar, I would go and get suited up at the shop on the high street of my home town. �Who are you wearing?� the dead-eyed rd carpet jockeys would ask, microphones thrusting forward. �I�m not wearing anyone � it�s a suit,� I would wittily reply. As they fumbled for composure under the vice like grip of my rapier wit, I would add, �Actually, its from B@ng B@ng on Market Street � you know, the one next to Army and Navy surplus?� And it would be payback for al the time I spent at school being impressed by people who shopped at B@ng B@ng. Of course, Id have to win an Oscar first.

It was nice to see (F)rocky getting some hott statuette action, but now Hilary Sw@nk has two and Marty Scorsese has none. He must be sick of turning up. �Shit, now I have to make another epic�� I would hire a celebrity lookey-likey to go in my place next time. Of course, that would ironically be the year he wins, and suddenly Joe Schmo has to make a speech off the cuff. I suppose he could always deliver it in mime as an apparent protest against the academy�s ignoring his physical facsimile for so long.

I can�t believe the Brits didn�t get anything again. Didn�t the Academy SEE �Sex Lives of the Potato Men�? And you�d think a slow-paced, gritty period piece about an abortionist would be a shoe-in for a top gong. I just hope Vera Drake 2: Vera Draker will be more mainstream. Then we�ll see.