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2005-02-02 - 1:27 p.m.

Here at Kickasso Stuffed Crust Technologies and Human Cheese Research, we know that your list of worries is endless. The state of an economy that you don�t understand, pregnant civilians having their foetuses bombed out by the trigger happy goons of our armed forces, and the wanton cruelty dished out by the judicial panels of reality TV shows.

Top of everyone�s list, though, is, perhaps unsurprisingly, and worthy of several subordinate clauses, your big fat ass. Yes, yours. It�s even top of the list here at KSCT&HCR, and we�ve got the tax auditors in and those underage donkey porn charges to defend in court, so don�t talk to US about stress, daddio.

In an effort to put our minds at rest and reign in your buttock span to at least a single postal district, we have spent minutes developing the very latest in state of the art (or should we say �weight� of the art (or should we say, you over-�weight� �bov�- ine lard �de�-pendent calorie �tart�?!)?!), body mass reduction programmes.

Simple, cost-effective and virtually irreversible once started, sign up for the programme that suits the way you live your life today, unless that life involves never leaving the couch and bathing in fried chicken puree.

With three separate courses, the choice is almost non-existent!!!:

TB For A Week!
You enjoy it as part of your day to day life anyway, so why not incorporate coughing up thick, cloudy, and sometimes bloody mucus and sputum from the lungs into your weight-loss regime? Imagine the satisfaction in knowing that every viscous mouthful is helping you reach your perfect jeans size. A rapid heartbeat and uncontrollable spasms offer an unbeatable supplement of aerobic exercise. Some say the risk of premature death is a high price to pay for slim hips, but we bet those sissies never looked good in a thong at a family BBQ.

Eating for Two!
We all know how attached you can get to that little being inside you, nurturing them and cherishing them from the moment of their arrival. Knowing which dietary changes to make can help you both maintain a healthier weight. Forget any ideas about babies, though, what we impregnate you with is your very own intestinal parasitic worm! The parasite will vary in size from our starter pack of the smallest one-thousandth of a micron to our advanced course of a whale tapeworm a hundred feet long. You can look forward to weeks of calorie-blitzing anaemia, heart-strengthening asthma, food-ejecting diarrhoea, figure-firming digestive disorders, thigh-toning nervousness and ab-friendly skin rash. You won�t even know it�s there! Seriously. Psychological tests show that most host humans will not face the reality or even want to think about it, continuing in their suffering but at the same time knowing they�ll look great on the beach come summer!

Shed Useless Body Mass!
Time to go out on a limb, or time to go out WITHOUT your limbs?!? Welcome to our unrivalled executive programme of voluntary surgery! Begin with your vestigal organs, and have all of those nasty, non-essential, weight-hiking parts of your body removed. Some of our biggest success stories are now little more than sparsely-housed digestive tract and a brain, trapped in a featureless cranium. See them in their �after� photos with the pants they used to fit into! You won�t even believe that they are the same person, let along any recognisable form of human life. And before the �quality of life� nay-saying gloom-mongers get all �chopping off your arms and legs is really bad for your self image�, can we just say that we don�t care?

Get the figure, bodyweight and amount of thinly-disguised patronising sales patter YOU deserve TODAY!!!

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