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2005-01-10 - 12:48 p.m.

Weekend trips included seeing Vera Drake at the pictures, which I thought was a resoundingly OK film, and funnier than you�d expect considering it�s about illegal home abortions in the dank, tea-sodden hovels of post-war, working class London. The ending leaves it nicely set up for a discussion about morality, and also, to my mind, for an action-packed sequel, �Vera Drake 2: This time it�s personal�, where Vera travels back in time with her bucket of soapy water to abort the foetuses of the legal establishment wot sent �er down. Angelina Jolie to take the lead this time round.

Speaking of, er, babies, a friend of mine has just told me his wife is expecting their second child. This has raised the bar in the �My God I�m getting old� stakes, and obviously pre-empts the next phase in which all my friends have affairs and get divorced.

I have known the guy in question a long time, and in fact he was the first of our school friends to have full, grown-up, get-your-trollies-off sex. I remember when he told us. We were a rapt audience, many of us not even having progressed to above-clothing fumbling, and certainly not at the stage where the female genitalia of girls of the opposite gender had to be confronted.

We asked him what it was like. He sat back to consider his answer. We could only imagine the indescribable beauty of making love, of the physical, spiritual and emotional highs that must be part of that first carnal act, flushed with innocence and wide-eyed wonderment in this new world, where love was expressed in the timeless manner of Greek gods, of all traditions, the universal splendour of two people conjoined with the erotic reverence of the Kama Sutra, and becoming part of a sensual history that reached back as far as time itself, a physical manifestation of beauty, truth and the need of one human for the touch of another. We hung expectantly on his next words, which despite the opportunity to go down in history turned out to be:

�It�s like having a wank with a glove on.�

The fact that this was at least something we could imagine didn�t quite dispel the disappointment.

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