2005-01-05 - 1:00 p.m.

Governor Jeb Bush is wow-ing the international media in Thailand. Kickasso Industries crack team of ninja pigeons intercepted his first letter home to brother George:

Dear Dubya,

I am now in Thailand with Uncle Co-lin, to see the disaster which is NOT a hur-kayn like we have at home, so that�s a dollar you owes me, but something called a ter..ter-suh-nay-mee. I think it�s Thailandese for a big wave, because they got a bunch of water right up the wazzoo, yes sir. The entire place looks like they had themselves a gi-normous gullywash, and I was fixin� to tell the man that met us off the plane, but Co-lin said better not.

I think the guy showin� us round is some kind of local governor, and I know I said he was takin� us to see some real special ties, but I can�t get you no silk accessories for that big dinner you got comin� up. No, these is real Thai aid workers, and when I told �em how much we was gonna give �um, and how it was a DONE DEAL, well, they was as happy as giddy gophers in soft dirt. Only Co-lin said I�d better not use THAT phrase either, seein� as they got mudlsides comin� down faster n� a harlot�s britches an� all. Jeez.

I stuck to sayin� what you told me, big brother. When them reporters was askin� me stuff, I answered good. I got lots of important questions, but I figure them for-ners� American can�t be that good, cuz all they asked was �Who are you again?�, �Are you with Mr Powell?� and �Could you clear the room, please, we�re expecting important international statesmen.� Like I replied in that instance, �There are two things I can do for you, and both of �em are nothin�.�

It didn�t look too good after that. I thought I might have t� open a can o� Kiddycomboddy on those Thai press dudes.

But they finally realised who they was dealin� with after Co-lin made that boo-boo and refused to talk to anyone who wasn�t from the USA. Man, that guy can be meaner �n a skillet full o� rattlesnakes, and he calls his-self a dip-lo-mat. Sometimes he�s all hat an� no cattle.

Anyhow. Them answers we rehearsed kept them press guys happy as a hog in slops. When they asked Co-lin �bout what he thought, I jumped in quick as a hiccup an� said my piece, right off of the card I had in my pocket with that writin� on it.

�The ter�ter-su-nay�.tidal wave is nothing like the hur-kayn we had back in Flor-da.�

That got �em all scribblin� alright. I was about to read the other side of the card with some things I thought of myself about some other things the tidal wave ain�t nothin� like. I was gonna say it ain�t nothin� like a big explosion, neither. It ain�t nothin� like a championship rodeo and it definitely ain�t nothin� like that sweet potato we found at Thanksgivin� that looked like Nancy Reagan.

But they was already scurryin� off. I think they�d got the measure of Governor Jeb Bush alright. Rest assured, Dubya, our international standin� is as high as it ever was thanks to yours truly, and anyone sayin� different is eatin� off of a whole plate o� crazy. Like I told ya. It�s a DONE DEAL.

Jebya