2004-12-29 - 3:52 p.m.

I have seriously been trying to look for ways to go out to South East Asia as a volunteer today, but the aid agencies have local staff, I guess, and probably can�t afford to fly out guilt-ridden westerners looking to make themselves feel a bit better. It would be the perfect time for me (how kind of the environment to consider me in its plans)� nothing keeping me here in two week�s time, after all.

So�the death equivalent of 9/11 happening EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH and I�m busy at work writing stories about great economical ways to winterise your house. Boy, there�s nothing like addressing the burning issues of the day for a living (and my job is NOTHING LIKE, etc, etc�add your own ending and have fun with the joke.)

I guess it�s not that shocking that aid agencies are applying some kind of ability filter to who they take on. They don�t want every Tom, Dick and Pablo who wants to help out on a whim and who will no doubt use the entire experience to make wry observations on their thinly-read internet diary. They need people whose skill sets stretch beyond being able to make bad puns and working the phrase �front bottom� into sentences every now and then.

Could you imagine the disappointment of the dispossessed locals having a planeload of people like me turn up? �Hi you guys�I just read this really appalling article in The Guardian, and�what�s that? You need houses built and medical supplies expertly administered? Er�you sure you don�t need pitying looks and sympathetic wisecracks? No? What? I�d be more use if I was finely sliced and daubed in local herbs to be used in a casserole to feed your children?�

I guess these people need professional experts, not clueless gurning halfwits with a bleeding heart. All I�m good for would be hefting those bags of rice off the sides of lorries into the crowds of the needy, and given my aim and co-ordination, I wouldn�t bet against an unscheduled increase in the death toll.

If anyone knows anything about volunteering, I would be grateful for any pointers, though the victims may feel differently, of course.