2004-12-15 - 2:47 p.m.

The first Yuletide assault on my very being came and went, the highlight being summarily relieved of all my immediate possessions by a pickpocket posing as in-party entertainment. One minute I�m talking to an apparently friendly cockney prankster, the next he�s presenting me with my watch, wallet and, perhaps most astonishingly, my necktie, which he had undone and taken from under my collar without me noticing. It�s always comforting to know that you can have wanton thievery going on under your very nose, even whilst in a relatively sober state. I guess if that guy�s bookings ever dry up, he could at least practise the same routine out on the streets with better financial rewards.

And yes, I did double-check the contents of my wallet in the toilets later. You never know with these struggling entertainers.

People are so impressed by magic tricks. I bet magicians get laid every night of their bow-tie sporting, a card, any card-picking lives. Forget striking good looks and witty repartee, if some stocky gimp can produce a coin from behind your ear, that�s pretty much good enough for, what, at least third base, right? It certainly would be for me. Pick any magician and see if they aren�t punching way above their weight in the rumpy-pumpy stakes. I think you�ll find I�m right.

Still, you can�t begrudge them. At least it takes some technical skill to do magic tricks. Compare this line of entertainment with, say, the dismal perform-o-tards in Covent Garden who think that four years of drama school entitles them to paint themselves silver and be motionless for money. The streets already have enough people devoid of talent sitting there dong nothing hoping for loose change � they�re called winos. And they�re much more likely to get anything from me. Providing some cheeky dipper hasn�t just trousered all my spare coinage.