2004-12-02 - 4:48 p.m.

I�m becoming mildly obsessed with some books that I picked up at a market in Miami earlier this year. �Table Etiquette�, �Today�s Etiquette� and �Encyclopaedia of Etiquette� are, as you may have guessed, etiquette-centric tomes, �etiquette� being of course the study of manners and coming from the Latin for �To give a shit about silverware placement�.

The books lay bare the important issues of the early twentieth century, addressing such fundamental questions as �Is it correct to place an oyster fork with its prongs in the bowl of a soup spoon?�. �Table Etiquette� dismisses this outright lunacy as �sporty conduct�, by which they mean the actions of a deranged, slack-jawed thug. They observe the wind of change in the air, though, as oyster forks across the land are placed with their prongs in the bowl of soup spoons, and rue the day, saying �no-one may any longer dare to say that no self-respecting oyster fork shall lie in the bowl of a soup spoon�.

I�m less astounded by the image of �a self respecting oyster fork� than I am that there are chapters and chapters of this guff. There�s the taxing issue of whether the hostess should wear a hat at luncheon, the persistently delicate area of whether finger bowls should be used when serving un-hulled strawberries and the veritable minefield of lace-paper doiley usage.

To think that we now rampage through our lives in such a vulgar and uncouth manner, unworried that we are ignorant about how to place a bouillon bowl, how to address an Arch Bishop, or when to put on gloves.

Yes, gloves, and the putting on of said garments, are given a thorough examination. There are three types of girl, you see. Those who button their gloves in the privacy of their own bedroom, an inferior class who finish buttoning their gloves in the hallway, and �persons not in our circle�, who revert to the disgusting savagery of buttoning their gloves IN THE STREET, if you can believe such a thing.

You�d think these girls were practically feral children, though I have to say that if I was dating in 1902, I�m not sure I�d want to go out with a bedroom-gloves girl. Give me a night out with a street-gloves chick any day. Those girls are just crazy.

And speaking of crazy girls, I�ll leave you with �Today�s Etiquette� and their views on slang: �We urge you to join the 160,000 Camp Fire Girls of the Eastern States who have resolved never to use slang again. To quote an authority on the subject: �Slang never helps conversation, and correct speech never hurts it.� Substitute �conversation� for �character�, and the truth still holds.�

Substitue �pot� for �slang�, and �cocaine� for �correct speech� and the truth holds there as well.

If any of you have any etiquette issues that you would like me to address with the help of my reference books, leave me a note and I�d be happy to set you straight.