2004-10-18 - 11:19 a.m.

Ever get to work only to realise that you�re not really dressed for the occasion? In the fug of Monday morning�s getting ready, I somehow elected to dress as if I�m about to repaint the backyard fence. That, or I�ve just spent three months on the couch eating processed cheese snacks as a reaction to my wife leaving me for my best friend. Some of last night�s pasta sauce apparently chose to hitch a lift on my t-shirt and commute into the office with me. It�s just lucky that I don�t have anything in the way of a professional reputation to maintain, and so looking like I was expecting to spend the day indoors watching wrestling isn�t too much of a let down for my colleagues.

I'm sure my boss would give me a dressing down if it was at all possible.

My sartorial horrorshow was distracted from by the extended discussions that took place around my desk this morning, though. �I really like the pink on pink action!� was the eye-opening salvo from one quarter. I happened to know that it was cover designs under the microscope, and that the people involved were unaware of the double-entendre risk, but the rest of the office were just treated to snippets such as �What�s WRONG with pink on pink?�, �People would really go for pink on pink!� and �Pink on pink looks better than anything!� Childish, yes, but I almost added a mouthful of coffee to the spectrum of visible stains on my outer garments.

Very soon I will be shooting myself into, oooh, about 1997, by opening up my very own website. It�s quite exciting for a technical amoeba like me.

*** *** *** *** ***

Customer: What time are you open?

Employee: From 9 to 6

Customer: O�clock?

As well you know, I don�t ask for much.

However.

As a personal project, I am compiling a list of weird, irrational or inescapably moronic complaints or questions delivered to people working in retail or customer services or just any industry. They can be single lined e-mails from the terminally feeble-minded or entire conversations with salivating mental amoebas. If you have any, please e-mail them to [email protected].

Go on. I bet you have some good ones.

If you could, please cast the net wider to friends you think might have a good story, and forward the e-mail address to them. And to your friend�s friends. And their friend�s friends. And so on until the end of all time. All stories used will be acknowledged.

I thank you from the heart of my bottom.