2004-09-18 - 10:43 a.m.

I spent yesterday cooped up in a tiny plane that put-put-put-ed through the air like an asthmatic turkey. I swear I heard it trying to catch its breath at one point. It was the kind of plane that you see in the news when bits of it have been found in about ten different gardens. In the celebrity looky-likey trend of this trip, it was being flown by Robson Greene, though.

Speaking of inappropriate skybound activities, one of the many strange things I saw were DUCKS in TREES. Is that legal? What are ducks doing in trees? They have no business being up there. Really.

Accompanying me on the trip were several members of the great paying public, including two brothers, who looked very alike, though they weren�t twins. To tell them apart, I noticed that one had a glass eye, so I used the handy disability for identification purposes. However, when I got talking to the other guy, I noticed HE had a glass eye TOO. OK, so that�s Twin Peaks enough in itself, but as the day progressed, it transpired that they were both high up in the glass eye industry.

Now, the question had to be asked (in general, I mean, not by me to their faces) � did they get into the glass eye business BECAUSE they had glass eyes, or in some weird freak way did they lose their eyes after going into the business and simply benefit from employee perks once they had become, and I�m not sure what the politically correct term would be, so let�s go with �mono-ocular�?

So later on, I found out that the older brother had shot the younger brother in the face with an arrow when he (the younger one) was 18 months old. Ah, kids, eh?

I never found out about the older one, though, and let�s face it, it HAS to be some kind of intricate, carefully plotted revenge attack by the younger one. The older one obviously went into his chosen trade as some kind of atonement for the sins of his youth, and the younger one must have arranged some elaborately-staged industrial �accident� to exact his retribution. I certainly can�t think of any possible other explanation.

Another thing I can�t think of any explanation for (my segue-ing is legendary today) is that in hotels, there is always a little phone next to the toilet. Is there some massive incidence of kazi-related deaths going on? Is it really that much of a high-risk activity, that you need the emergency services to hand? Because I�m assuming it�s not a place where people suddenly feel the need to talk.

And, hey, what�s the deal with airline peanuts?

Whoa, tough crowd.

It�s my last real day in Sydney � and he�s pretty relieved about that, let me tell you. Hahahahaha. Er, yeah. I�ll stop now. It went fast. Looking forward to that nice 22 hour flight back, and an immensely relaxing ONE WHOLE DAY back in the UK.