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2004-09-08 - 2:17 a.m.

Sydney, Australia

4.30am

Don�t you just love being wide and naturally awake at 4.30am, like a powerless flailing baby that can�t control its own bodily functions? It�s such a productive time to be fully functioning. If you�re a dairy cattle farmer with some kind of lowing herd to attend to, that is. Sadly, for those of us in the normal world, it�s like turning up to the consciousness party two hours before even the boring, sensible guests arrive. And it�s all down to the lag we call jet.

Actually the flight wasn�t too bad, especially considering it was so long that you had to shave half way through. Never a good sign. Luckily I was upgraded to soulless corporate Nazi scum class, and could stretch out in some vaguely modern seating. The airline call them Sky Beds, and when you�ve finished up with the movies, you can press a button and horizontally retreat into a kind of a plastic pod. For the terminally bored, and mentally retarded, it�s like when they go into stasis in Alien, with only a snoring hulk of the flatulent German businessman shattering the sci-fi illusion.

I had watched �Supersize Me� in the hope that some kind of dietary osmosis might occur, but he was shovelling down the dessert cheeses like he�d been working down a cheese mine for twenty years whilst being forbidden to taste the proceeds. I feared he may eat my hand luggage. I don�t think it�s a case any more of �Why is it always me who gets sat next to the Gut Lord?� as much as just everyone in the world now has a huge fat ass. Have you seen the world lately? We really could stand to lose some. I�m no stranger to the sausage section of the menu myself, I hasten to add.

So I have four days in the city, where the levels of rain are disturbingly similar to, well, London. In fact it�s a pretty similar place from what I remember, only there are less Australian bar workers.

I�m going to watch CNN then at least I can be needlessly awake and informed.

9.30 am

God, I�m tired now.

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