2004-08-04 - 11:43 a.m.
As reasons for loving cities go, it may not rank as one of the most romantic, but I do love the number of drunken, freeloading yobs at bus stops sometimes. Actually it�s only at very specific times, such as last night. I was visiting friends, and way beyond the range of my weekly travel card, with no money and in need of the bus home. Luckily, as we boarded, and I prepared to indulge in some risky sleight of hand with my bus pass, some foaming alcoholic wretch tried to stumble on before me, shouting at the driver, who is suddenly keen to wave me on through, simply because I have a piece of card in my hand and I�m not bellowing at him or covering him with cholera-drenched spittle. Be relatively normal on the night buses and you get waved on through.
And I�m glad I did, because the in-bus conversation was just a delight. I sat near the back, just in front of three young scallywags, who were treating the passengers to an extended bout of what I�m lead to believe is known as �freestylin�. The youths, one white, one black, one asian, certainly had overcome racial boundaries and were united through the poetry of performance. As a rap philistine, I�m not really sure if their lyrics came under the critical categories of �dope� or �wack�, but it did lead to some charming wordplay, making the ride home all the more special. The names have been omitted as I never found them out.
Youth 1 had just let rip with a stream of rhyming couplets, within which I could only make out choice phrases such as �dirty ho�s� and �stretch li-mo�s�, a lifestyle which he seemed to enjoy on his other nights out, but which didn�t really butter any parsnips from someone riding the bus in the unfashionable part of north London in which I live.
He ended intriguingly, referring to a possible assignation in the far east that he had enjoyed: �Cruisin� around, lookin� to get laid, just like doin� it downtown in HK��
This abbreviated reference apparently baffled his musical chums.
Y2: Where the fuck is HK, man?
Y3: Hackney?
Y1: Work it out, man! It�s a place. In Asia.
Y2: Is it in Europe?
Y1: No. In Asia. I think it used to be in Europe, innit?
Y3: It�s like Helsinki, or summat?
Y1: No, man, it�s like in Kung Fu movies, stylish an� all that�
Y2: Is it in Spain?
Y1: There�s a cartoon. HK, man. Think!
Y2: Hong Kong Phooey!
Y1: Yeah, man!
This inspired the group to embark on abbreviating other cities, and start a charming parlour game that would prove to be a fascinating diversion. It entailed a highly-charged battle of wits, with rapier ripostes and cunning badinage:
Y2: OK, I got one for you fools. RM!
Y3: Is it in Asia?
Y1: No, man, it ain�t!
Y2: I ain�t even told you yet! OK, It�s in Europe.
Y3: Rome.
Y1: You fool, man. The initials are RM.
Y3: Rotterdam, innit?
Y2: It�s R! M!
Y1: Is it in Asia? Or did it used to be?
Y3: (suddenly inspired) Romania!
Y2: It�s a city! It�s in Europe, innit?
At this point, it�s fair to say that I was pretty stumped, too. Perhaps it was some obscure Balkan principality or a low profile Swedish industrial centre? I hoped the inquisitor would provide us with a meaty clue.
Y2: OK, I�ll give you fools a meaty clue. There was a massive bomb attack recently, innit?
Y3: It ain�t Rome?
Y2: No, man!
Y3: Roma! That�s how they say it in Italy, innit?
Y2: It ain�t Rome or Roma, man! It�s R M!
Y1: This is BORIN� me now, man. Just tell us.
Y2: It�s Real Madrid.
Y1/3: (and me, in my mind) WHAT?! Shut the fuck up, man!
Y2: Nah, straight up, That�s how they say it in Spanish, innit?
Y1: You�re havin� a laugh, fool.
Y2: You�re the fool. In Spain, Madrid is called Real Madrid because that�s the REAL name, innit?
Y3: Nah, he�s right, man, I saw it on telly.
Y1: I don�t know. OK, here�s one�M
Sadly, I had to disembark the bus, and I left them to whittle down the mouth-watering possibilities of which city �M� could stand for, or whether they might yet again confuse the name of a city with the name of its football team�
Er, boys, if you�re reading, the real name for Chicago isn�t Chicago Bears, but thanks for an endlessly endearing exchange, nonetheless.
