2004-08-02 - 4:52 p.m.

A wedding gave cause for this weekend�s tussle with coherence and basic hand-eye coordination, with the groom only looking slightly disconsolate when, on showing me his Hug0 B0ss bespoke suit, I told him that �he was the designer who dressed the Nazis�. Nothing to be ashamed of there. The Nazis looked pretty good. Inhuman scum that shamed the entire species, admittedly, but snappy dressers all the same, and no reason to have that thought mar what was an otherwise upbeat shindig.

As the bride and groom had their first dance, a moment filled with romance and the flush of newly-declared love, I remember being outside being told by someone about the �screwnicorn�. For the uninitiated (and that included me, adhering as I do to my strict Catholic upbringing, especially with my choice of sex aid), this is when a prosthetic phallus is attached to the forehead, and then some kind of bizarre cranio-genital meeting occurs. (As the image was conjured up, all I could hear was Celine Dion, an association that will now stick with me for life. I just hope I never meet her).

In my innocence, I imagined the dildo to be fashioned in the image of the mythical beast, and marketed along fantastical lines, with stories and legendary scenarios and the like, but as I understand it, it is not an actual product, and just refers to any old strap-on used in this manner, which is not half as exciting.

Surely, though, a niche in the market?! Along with the human cheese research, the crack team of Rhesus Monkeys at Kickasso Industries have now been instructed to focus all R&D efforts on developing the prototype � think My Little Pony meets Madam Whiplash and you�re getting there. I even came up with a few ideas for the Mythological Beast Sex Aid line (�For a legendary time in bed!�), to complement the Screwnicorn.

Among the contenders (and look away if you have an allergy to badly contrived sexual innuendo) are: Pegasuspenders (fishnets for a flying start with your, er, stallion), Griffinger-cuffs (for more then �lion� around with your �bird�) and not forgetting the vaguely-defined but delicate eroticism of the Buggerbear, the Doppelgangbanger, the Mino-oh-oh-oh-taur, and (is anyone still reading, I wonder?) the charming delights of the Jap-Cyclops.

Sorry, I just had to get those out of my system. The screwnicorn awoke something unpleasant in me. As you were.