2004-06-29 - 10:18 a.m.
Let joy be unconfined! Yes, today is truly a great day for everyone from the lowly heads of petrochemical conglomerates to the struggling Managing Directors of government-endorsed construction companies, from workaday international political opportunists to the normal, everyday, intercontinental ballistics dealer in the street.
Yes, the day has arrived at last, but as the US hands sovereignty back to the Iraqi people, just what are the highlights that the Iraqi people can look forward to? The benefits are legion, and you�d be a fool and a communist to think otherwise. So here for your skim-reading pleasure are just a few of the immediate sovereignty gems that the Iraqis can now wear in their navals as they dance the long, slow, belly dance of democracy:
US Government to give sovereignty full valet service before returning it.
Free portion of reconstituted two and a half-year-old Freedom Fries for every citizen, (redeemable with written denunciation of Islam).
160,000 remaining foreign troops to be issued with civilian clothes and false beards �to blend in more�.
New Iraqi Prime Minister to be offered chance to trade �political freedom and national autonomy� for a �mystery prize� hidden in a shoe box behind Condoleezza Rice�s back.
Nervous soldiers still have permission to hand back sovereignty in bullet form.
George W Bush to personally open new Basra branch of Starbucks, shouting everyone present a skinny mochaccino with free refills. Wait, make that one free refill.
Introduction of new improved �fast-track� process whereby US troops can torture and humiliate Iraqi prisoners, without any procedural hold-ups. In fact, the only red tape they will face will be that issued to seal up the miserable pagan mouths of stinking insurgent pigdogs.
Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Tony Blair and Dick Cheney to perform Barbershop Quartet version of Iraqi national anthem on whirlwind tour of any High Schools that weren�t reduced to corpse-strewn piles of rubble by stray missiles.
New Iraqi government to receive complimentary shipment of second-hand Rig-U-Like voting machines; only one previous owner who was delighted with results.
Jennifer Lopez to date high ranking members of the Elite Republican Guard on rotational basis.
Initiation of national rebranding, to be handled by Apple, with projected nine-month run up to launch of iRaq.
Sovereignty actually being returned only on the condition that Iraq can keep up with the repayments.
It�s a great day for democracy. It�s a great day for freedom. And in closing I would like to quote from a song by Bruce MccCull0ch (a known Canadian):
�Some people look at a flag, swaying in the breeze of the White House and say, "That's America." Whenever I see an American flag hung in a window of a basement apartment by guys who have better things to do with their money than buy curtains, I say, "That's America...to me."�
