2004-05-03 - 2:45 p.m.

Since all my flatmates have birthdays within around thirty seconds of each other, we had a low-ish key but enjoyable joint celebration via the means of BBQ�d meat last night, where fun was had by all despite my at one point confusing the films The Piano and The Pianist in an admittedly quite drunken conversation.

Me: There�s that really sexy bit where the guy puts his finger through that hole in the girl�s clothes.

Assembled onlookers, horrified at gross misunderstanding and abomination of god�s clean earth standing before them: Er, isn�t it about the Nazis?

Well, whatever. If they didn�t want people, and by that I mean �some slow-witted drunken chump�, to confuse those two films then they shouldn�t have made them in the first place. Right kids?

(In tangential trivia, what was that book where a college had a film theme night and the double bill was Uncle Vanya and Uncle Buck?)

Anyway, hurray for our puny English sun for staying out long enough for us to toast the assembled birthday revellers, all now firmly on their collective way to becoming doddering coffin-dodgers.

Internet access and life in general have disintegrated into something resembling chopped monkey gonads, so forgive me if I owe you a CD, e-mail or freshly killed mountain goat to be used for ceremonial purposes � hopefully realignment will be forthcoming and I can kick start things in the near future.

In the meantime, due to massive restructuring and expansion plans here at Kickasso Luxury Villas and Human Cheese Products, the following situation needs to be urgently filled:

Person wanted � trustworthy, house trained, non-juggler - in the USA to receive and mail to me an i-pod, for some financial or other recompense to be discussed before the product is shipped.

Also, I am preparing not one, not two, not four, but three book proposals, and building my own website, so anyone with any experience of said activities willing to advise would be suitably rewarded and showered appropriately with praise, love and unidentified liquids. I know some have stepped forward already, and their tireless gullibility is much appreciated.